choking
Thursday, February 16 
I’m pretty decent at self-sabotage, which shows up in my life as lots of great ideas, or even the gift of various opportunities, with underwhelming follow through. Fear of failure, maybe? Although I tiptoe far enough around my great ideas that I never get close enough to actually smell fear, just disappointment.
Again.
(Familiar.)
Yawn.
Fifteen years ago I wrote a lot of young adult fiction, and published several short stories in ‘Teen magazine and in other publications. I wrote a (semi-autobiographical) fiction story about a teenage girl who falls for her best friend, a guy, only to be crushed and lose his friendship when he comes to grips with the fact that he’s gay. I had a feeling about this particular story, and took it to a writing conference, where a NYC editor read it and met with me. Turns out I was the only writer who got a green-light from this woman that day, which concluded with her handing me her card with my manuscript saying, “This story is a book. You need to write this book and then mail it to me.”
I floated around high on life for several weeks after that meeting, re-reading my story over and over until I had it practically memorized. And then, over the next few weeks and years I did…
Nothing.
I couldn’t think of how to expand the story into a novel. Also, I was REALLY busy. My goodness I was busy! (Far too busy to become a successful novelist.)
When I was pregnant with the boys, I was on strict bed rest for the last two months of pregnancy with Middle and Youngest Sons. “Think of all the writing you’ll get done!” people said to me. “This really frees you up.”
How very terrifying.
Instead, I camped on the couch depressed, with barely the brainwaves to hobble to the bathroom.
Give me a chance, an opportunity, and I’m pretty good at choking.
Honestly, I’m tired of this pattern. Tired of telling myself I’m “too busy” to move forward with the things I still want to accomplish in life…But am I tired enough to change it?
I am a busy person. I work 40 hours a week, make homemade dinners every night after work, take care of my health, and look after three boys, chickens, a dog and cat and household – half the week as a single parent when Shawn is out of town. So yes, most days I do feel like I’m just trying to keep my head above water, and it’s easy to buy my own “too busy” excuse.
Last I checked though, I get a full 24 hours in a day just like you. And it’s true that I’m in charge of how those hours are spent. So technically, I could make time for things that are important to me.
So I gave myself some space for writing an article that’s been floating around inside my head by taking 10 days, or three posts, off from blogging in this here space. I was so excited that before I knew it, I’d mentally turned my article idea into a full-fledged best-selling book. (Complete with signed copies for all of you who read my blog!) Then I told three writer-friends about my idea and they all agreed it was an idea that would sell, and that I must write it.
Then, a week into blog-free time, I realized that I’d written…
Nothing.
Also, my computer broke and I can only write at work for now, which isn’t wise.
So instead of writing (or purchasing a new computer), I’ve thought about how overwhelming it would be to tackle a project as big as a book, and all the reasons why I can’t possibly accomplish such a thing. My crazy-brain actually wrote a whole book last week on reasons not to write a book at this time in my life…unfortunately, I suspect no one will buy it. Not even me.
In Bird by Bird, writer Anne Lammott’s book of advice for writers, she says that writing is like driving at night. Sometimes you can only see as far as the headlights, but that’s enough to get you where you’re going.
Little steps can make big things happen.
I’m not giving up on the book idea, and I am nailing that rat-bastard article to the page. I’m also going to keep taking these occasional blog breaks, to see if I can stare down the dragons.
Blogging twice a week this past 2 ½ years has taught me the discipline of showing up, regardless of whether I feel fabulous about what I’ve written or not. Some posts sing, some don’t. That’s OK. Seems there is something to that: letting go of outcome; showing up; doing the work.
I'm going to try and apply the same model to my other writing.
I’ll keep you posted.
Accountability is a good thing.
Reader Comments (13)
What grade does one graduate to chapter books? Maybe third grade? I was in remedial reading when I was younger, so maybe I progressed a little slower than the rest. This is, however, totally not my point. My point is books are made of chapters. The idea of writing a book is pretty damn intimidating, but people do it all the time. Some are good at it, others suck nuts, but they are all writing just the same. Another point is to take a look at the opening pages of one of your favorite books, and look at the Acknowledgements page. Seldom does that section say: "To my loving self" Nope, it's usually a long list of people important to the process of writing. The inspirations, the kids who behaved just long enough to finish a thought, the people who read the pages before they were punctuated appropriately. Involve people you trust in this effort, set little goals that aren't time-oriented, and you'll do it! I bet I speak for everyone who reads this when I say, I'll pre-order several copies (but I'm holding you to the offer of autographing it).
go get em - your a great writer!!!
Hey girl. I know you can do it! I always wanted to write a book. My english skills were never good enough to even consider it.I love your idea of the teenage girl . I actually had a friend in Highschool that was in love with a gay friend. Soon your boys will be out of the house and you will only have the dog the cat and the Husband to take care of . Then you will have oodles of time to write. I want to pre order your book too at the family discount autographed of course.
Quit choking - you write great stuff on this blog and I am sure will do great stuff for a book. Start small - don't so much think "novel" think oh "paperback". Get the confidence girl and GO FOR IT. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain and THIS could be the one that you get to say "I DID IT - I DIDN'T CHOKE" and imagine what floodgates that will open up!
Funny you should write about this right now. I, too, have a history of self sabotage... and just very recently over thought myself out of starting back to school. I was so close, too. Too afraid, too much over thinking... just plain chicken shit? I came up with several very good reasons not to do it right now. So then why do I feel so terribly crappy now? Because I really want it, but am too afraid I won't make it. Doing what you really want is really scary, but it's super scary because you really want it. If you don't try you'll always be disappointed in yourself. It's an easy rut to fall into and get used to because it's safe, but it's also sad and painful and full of disappointment. You are a great writer, very easy to get involved with. You have a way of capturing your audience. It might take you a couple of years, but you won't know until you start plunking it down on paper. You have the support of all of us and we're not expecting it to be done tomorrow. Go for it, you can do it!!!!
I know you can do this. Your book NEEDS to be written, and you're the one to do it. We're all ready to help.
I have a quote on my desktop, "Big challenges create the best work." I lifted it from a photographer named Chase Jarvis.
Other sayings going around in my head include, "if you're not scared shitless, you're doing it wrong." I don't know who said that.
Also Seth Godin has written about this in his blog and in a book. He calls it The Resistance.
My point is that the only way you can fail is to stop trying. Keep trying. Keep swinging.
Don't. Quit.
There is no template for success that must be followed. I will wager that each and every successful novelist or writer has followed a different path. The only thing they share is that they never gave up.
You know we all believe in you, but what really matters is that you believe in yourself. And I think that deep, deep down, you really do.
Dive in. Begin. We can't wait to see what happens.
You just described me. I have a guidebook that I want to finish (it has been 3/4 done for two years! 3/4 done.) and a couple other e-book ideas that seem really great (as long as I am only thinking about it and not writing).
I think there are also 24 hours in my day. And I don't work that much, and I only have 2 boys and 2 dogs..... I need to get on it, too. Thanks for the inspiration!
Funny how many people said something to the effect of, "yes, I relate, I do this too." (yep, me too) And after blaming different things for many years I think I figured out what was really, actually down deep at the bottom of all the excuses. I didn't think I deserved to have my dream. I know, pretty stupid huh. But it is the bare naked truth, I didn't think I was the kind of person who deserved to dream a Great Big Beautiful dream and then go for it and be happy. Because really, even if my dream doesn't bring me the fame and success I think I need to justify having such a Great Big Beautiful dream, I'll still be happy I tried. Right. (answer YES) So, here is to taking that dream out of the straw it is packed in and gently blowing on its embers until it glows. Pretty soon it will be big enough to gather around and roast marshmallows on. I'll bring the marshmallows, you bring the ghost stories. *clink*
It's always that first step that's the hardest. Stop thinking and start doing. You already know what to do and how to do it. Everyone who loves you supports you. So shut off that inner voice feeding you the excuses, sit down at the keyboard (or old-fashioned paper and pencil) and start writing.
Be sure to dedicate your first book to your loyal blog readers. :-)
I hate to burst your failure bubble Megan, but you've essentially already written a book. Head down to the bookstore and peruse the section where David Sedaris, Dave Barry, and others of that ilk reside, and you'll find volumes of books that are nothing more than the re-packaging of columns and such. Not too dissimilar to a collection of blog posts eh? Working with material on-hand, it wouldn't be a stretch to get something like that published. Hell, "Shit my Dad says" was a mere collection of tweets.
So, with that in mind, you've already succeeded at producing material for a full-fledged book, thus disproving your nagging doubts about being able to do it. Another book then should be a piece of cake! Books are written much as they're read...one page at a time. And besides, now I really need to know how things turned out with that girl and the gay guy. I do hope they were able to resurrect their friendship, cause I bet he'd have great fashion advice for her.
KnitandDestroy: Oh my gosh, you are so right. That is an excellent reminder. I'm taking it to heart.
Amy: Thank you!
SDA: You know, I often forget about the amount of time that is going to open up in four and a half years or so after Youngest Son graduates. How very wonderful and awful... :) Thanks for your encouragement.
Sherry: I like that: think paperback. Helps not to get overwhelmed by biggifying everything in your brain!
Laurie: Maybe those of us with this tendency should start a support group of sorts. We could bring things to encourage us to open up and become less afraid of our dragons, like chocolate and wine.
Lunch Date: Thanks! And thanks for listening the other day as well.
A-Hole: You are king of slaying the dragons. It's one thing to be talented, another to be brave and follow your dreams as you're doing. You are a great example to me for Less Whine/More Do.
Melynda: You know, considering that you've already written a book, it's very interesting that you're stalled out 3/4 of the way on your second book! I mean, didn't you do that first one with babies and a job going on? Holy smokes -- that's inspiring! I've got my money on you and your ability to finish this second one, and the e-books, too.
Pooknelle: I'm stunned. My pretty, talented, smart sis-in-law...You deserve to have your Great Big Beautiful Dreams and then some. I hope you can give this to yourself. And yeah (sigh), there are many of us who struggle with this, but hearing this from you I'm like, Really?! You too?
FaveAuntie: Maybe I'll write it on my new/used Mac?!
Sexy Beast: Aw, thanks for the boost! (Sedaris is pretty much my hero...) As for the girl and the gay boyfriend, well, they're friends on Facebook these days, but he lives happily in California with his partner, so too far away to tell me not to wear bacon T-shirts or anything like that, unfortunately.
Well, like a book, my comment is too hard, self-revealing, and scary to write. It's wielding a whip and chair and has me cowering in the corner. Too close to home; that's the problem. In the meantime while we wait for me to sprout the right anatomy in order to write well, let me offer you the long-term loan of an eMac. Dunno if you're PC or Mac, but let me know if I can deliver it in a couple weeks.