second chances
Thursday, January 26 
Middle Son and I knock heads sometimes over curbing his video game usage, but I also try to keep the conversation open with him, to understand what he likes about the games. So the other day, when he excitedly told me he’d been playing with kids from Scotland, and the day before with some English-speaking teens from China, it made me think.
These are curious times.
(Please feel free to write that sentence down and refer back to it for guidance at any time. Or better yet, quote me: “These are curious times.” – Megan Ault Regnerus)
I’ve really enjoyed getting to know virtual strangers from near and far via this blog. So Middle Son might hook up with teens from China to play his game, but not know the kids down the street. I might feel all warm and fuzzy about a reader in Denmark, Virginia, or here in Montana (whom I’ve never or seldom met in person), for example, and yet not know my neighbors, who live less than 50 feet away.
In some ways, the blog relationships, which I’ve experienced as sincere, are easy. I don’t have to look anyone in the eye, have anyone over (unless it’s for the annual minor catastrophes hootenanny!), remember birthdays or bring chicken soup when someone’s sick. With neighbors, input often equals output (you don’t say hi to me, I don’t say hi to you), and it at least initially requires the willingness to extend yourself in possibly uncomfortable ways to get further than “Hi.”
Anyway, one of the first posts I ever wrote here was about how Angus ran inside my young neighbor-lady’s house early one morning (she and her soon-to-be-husband left a sliding glass door cracked for their own dogs to go in and out), and pounced on their bed while they were still sleeping. The very male, naked husband-to-be greeted me on their deck in what was definitely a “before-coffee” sort of way. Somehow, our relationship never progressed after that.
Then, I wrote about their building a large privacy fence right before they moved out and put the house up for sale. FINE, I thought. The house sat empty for two years while the couple lived in “his” house a few blocks away. Sometimes my former neighbor-lady’s dad would stay in the for-sale house while visiting, and we got used to the intermittent emptiness, broken up by the occasional dad visits or an open-house hosted by their realtor.
Still, a long-empty house is a lonely sort of thing. So when I saw my neighbor lady surveying the yard of this house they just couldn’t seem to sell, now sporting a little baby bump, something shifted inside me. It struck me that my lack of relationship with her had a lot to do with me.
So I walked over and congratulated her about the baby, told her how much we’d enjoyed getting to know her dad’s dogs whenever he visited. With that, she looked at her husband, then back at me, clearly fighting tears.
“My dad committed suicide last August,” she said quietly. “I found out we were pregnant a week later.”
And that’s how I ended up openly crying with this neighbor I hardly knew; a three-year relationship — or lack thereof — changed and melted via compassion during a single conversation.
Turns out she and her husband are moving back into the house and attempting to sell his house now instead. Which makes me happy. A second chance! Happy day! A second chance to not be an asshole!
Because I really am a dipshit when it comes to this stuff, I need ideas. I want to do something to say, “Welcome Back,” and start anew. I could make and deliver food, but have no idea what they like. Should I invite them to dinner? (Please say no. The thought makes me scratchy.) Their baby is due next month. Maybe a baby gift? Got any other bright ideas? Something not too spendy that says I’M ACTUALLY SOMEWHAT NICE. LET’S FORGET ABOUT THE FACT THAT I HARDLY SPOKE TO YOU THESE PAST YEARS AND BE FRIENDS NOW.
Reader Comments (20)
A basket of homemade muffins with a jar of your honey (delish, by the way). Tuck a gift card to BabysRUs or Target in the basket.
Couldn't we all take a lesson from the past and the days of the "Welcome Wagon"? :) I have the same issue, just barely know my neighbors as well. You do make me remember the days growing up in a neighborhood where all the kids came together and played kickball or sledding down the hill or.....There definitely is something we've lost there. Good for you - taking the second chance!
Hmmm. Well, my first thought is one of those chef's aprons made with a photo of the (very naked) statue of David.
I agree that dinner's a little much to start. Do you know their names? I'd go with a registry thing if you can find one. It means you took the time to find it and get it, and you know it's something they'll like since they picked it.
Our tried and true friend-making gesture that has worked on a global scale has been homemade brownies and cookies. And by "global", I mean at least in New Zealand and Australia where there idea of cookies (biscuits) are dreadful, so anything is an improvement.
Anyway, this is low-budget, yet homemade for the personal touch, and the sugar and chocolate will likely mask the slight bitterness that comes from them being made by their jerk neighbor. ;-)
We read something somewhere recently (I won't post the link for the obvious reason that I clearly have no clue) discussing being yourself, saying what you need to say, and learning to live life without the more socially acceptable kissing-everyones-asses-ness, and it was quite interesting. In a nutshell, if you be yourself, people who want to be your friends will be, others won't, and that's that. If you're not out to annoy or irritate people just because, then you're probably not an asshole, so make peace with who you are and stop worrying about it already. (standard disclaimer: I often forget and ignore my own advice)
Are you hip to this whole pintrest.com thing? Well, if you aren't there are some wildly awesome ideas for just about everything. Makes you realize that people are pretty amazing sometimes! Maybe you'll find some creative inspiration there. I also like the idea of a gift card to Target tucked in with honey/something homemade.
Side note: you will never get back the time spent on pintrest.com - it becomes an addiction (not personal experience, but I've seen coworkers do far less work than should be expected as a result of "pintresting").
Megan, I vote muffins and honey and a gift card. A little something goes a long long way. It is a very nice idea and I am glad you are making friends . Just keep Angus away from them . Little brat dog.
Yeah, the homemade loot. I say forget the gift cards because that's $$$ and you can't even buy presents for those you know and love. There is a national shortage of $$$ and if I spend it on unnecessaries I'm saying, (thank you, Sexy Beast, for your preamble to my point) "Dear Person, I'm so frantic to have you adore me that I'm willing to abase myself financially." The goodies say, "Hi, neighbor, I want to extend a bit of my kitchen toward you" which is really (in my ego-inflated opinion) a more genuine piece of you and your heart. But hey, forgive me, you more generous people out there. I just don't buy stuff for people unless there's an atomic-strength reason so to do. I'll loan you my truck, horse, or couch (sorry, not the dog or husband) and I will give you money if you need it, but I dunno, spending it on gifts does not represent my feelings toward you (unless it's a book I know you'd love). I might change my mind if suddenly money is easier to get or I can't find any ingredients with which to make you a really nice goodie.
Eggs, too. Those are nice goodies. Or some seeds you saved from your garden.
Yeah, I know. I sound like a cheap curmudgeon.
The honey sounds like a lovely gift. I like the egg idea too.
It's so true that online friendship can be so comfortable while the act of a daily greeting to your neighbor can make you itch. I don't know a single one of my neighbors, shocker. Hope it goes well.
My top suggestions, in order:
1. pineapple upside down cake, of course! meaning, invite her over while you make the cake and watch the bonding happen while the stories unfold about great family memories of all the other cakes and family talent shows. Okay, so she's pregnant and not supposed to be drinking. Just point out that it didn't hurt your kids any. Moms-to-be appreciate real-life helpful hints, don't you think?
2. annotated baby names book. Who wouldn't love to get a book with the real reactions to baby names, not just the entymology and all that meaningful stuff? I mean really, if my one friend had known the first reaction another "friend" had to his little girl's name was "isn't that what they name cows"? (And yes, the "friend" was discommunicated after that.) You could just highlight the names you like and X out (with colorful anecdotes) the names that will set a kid up for failure.
3. go to the dogs. We've seen your neighbor leaving Peet's when we arrive. How nice would it be to share walking and talking with the dogs? Doesn't cost a thing, doesn't get too personal inside each other's houses too fast, and you don't have to worry about what she might or might not be allergic to. And a la Mr. Rogers, actually shows you are interested, not just being polite.
Y'know, Savannah is reasonable and remarkable. Sure wish I'd read her comment before I dribbled out my drivel. I'd like to be like her if I grow up.
FaveAuntie: I do make pretty tasty pumpkin choc. chip or banana nut muffins. That could be a sweet peace offering. I was thinking of honey as well, and how that might soften them a bit about the hive in the back yard, but then remembered something about pregnant ladies not having honey. Must look that up...
Sherry: Glad I'm not the only one :)
Susan: Oh my gosh, the apron idea is hilarious! (And so very appropriate...How could they NOT laugh at that?) BTW, checked out your website — very cool! Makes me want to quit my job and make stuff, damnit.
Sexy Beast: That's sage advice from a beast like you! You keep me on my toes :)
KnitandDestroy: First of all, what a cool name you have. Second, I haven't tried Pintrest, but have briefly glimpsed the site and went OOOOOH, MUST. NOT. GO.THERE.EVER.AGAIN. I fear it would suck every spare moment of my day, and then work to claim the unspare moments as well...
SDA: Yeah, he's a brat, but he also has this built-in adorableness that has saved his butt more than once.
NLwD: I'd rather have your truck, horse, couch than your $ anyway. Too bad you're stingy with the husband, though — he's pretty cute.
Heather: Yes, I'm guessing many fellow bloggers like you know what I'm sayin.' :)
Savannah: Great ideas, all of em! I think I could get brave enough to invite her for #3 — thanks for the nudge.
Beautiful, honest post. Yes to the homemade stuff. Definitely something from the heart. Your readers are incredible.
(Love the "before-coffee moment" phrase, btw.)
Kisses to all from Kalispell--
Its funny because I've had two conversations with co-workers on this the past couple of days. I am a loner, it takes me ages to open up to people. In real life. Online it is so much easier, I can just put myself out there in small bites and then go cook dinner. With a real life person I use too much energy worrying about this and that and I can't use an hour forming an answer to a comment that sparked up something inside in me. Online I can word myself much clearer, make myself funnier or more serious than I would probably be if my response was a off-the-cuff.
I don't have an advice on the neighbor issue. I have a similar relationship with one of my three yard-to-yard neighbors. I can't stand the gossipy neighbor on our left side (problem solved, no need to interact), I do alright with the neighbor behind us, but to our right lives a couple about the same age as my husband and I, they've got kids same age as my daughter and we should have so much in common, but I don't know what to say to them. We like and comment each others status' on FB but we hardly chat over the fence when we coincide in our gardens at the same time. A few months ago they had a small baby girl (info gathered on facebook) and my intention throughout the pregnancy was to drop off, preferably when they weren't home (I am awful I know!), a small present to this new born, a little toy or whatnot. But I never did. And now this lack of neighborly friendship is eating at me and I don't know how to fix it. I am the drawn-in loner who don't offer up friendship, and I don't know how to get past it. But I am working toward what SexyBeast mentions, embracing who I am and not try to be something that I am not. :)
from what I can tell from your blog you like food and cooking - can't get any better than a homemade gift. Money gift I think is a cop out. Making something bring your intentions deeper for yourself and your neighbors. Although certain people without depth or maturity may look at a homemade or thoughtful cheep gift as " what a cheep skate". I once thought this about my step mother when I moved to montana at 18 and she sent me a cookbook. I actually was such an ass I threw it in the garbage. I wish she was still alive so I could thank her today for that very thoughtful gift. You inspire to go outside the box and grow.
Well done.
FarFarAwayReader: Not sure just how far far-away is, but if it's in a country where they go woefully short on the butter and sugar necessary for good cookies, let me know and I'll send you a proper recipe (the recipe was shared just as much as the cookies down under, brownie recipe too). Seems overseas people just aren't as efficient at making people fat. ;-) Hang in there, one small visit at a time. Unbeknownst to people who've been charmed by my suave persona, sexy good looks, razor wit, and genius intellect, I'm but a humble hermit at heart and don't generally like people. My friends are few, but the ones I have tend to be good. I've noticed though that all those other annoying people somehow tend to be more tolerable over cookies.
Bran muffins might help keep her regular during the last stages of her pregnancy ......what could be more neighborly than THAT?
Hehe SexyBeast trust me my part of Far Far Away lack no butter or sugar, or the ability to make people fat, being that Denmark is world famous for producers of at least the butter *g* and I bake a mean cake and acceptable cookies as well. But my social skills are just so horrendous and I stumble and tumble through conversations with people that I don't know, that I'd rather avoid the situation than make the effort. But as I said I am working toward accepting that part of myself and then in time I will try to push my own boundaries a bit at a time. I'll probably learn that my neighbors are nice people, kindhearted and friendly and I am a mean old grump who see's ghosts where there are non. And though it is too late to bring a gift to the newborn I will make an effort this spring to engage in over-the-fence civilities.
Oh and even though I lack no butter or sugar (or belly fat) I would love to try out the recipe... both for the cookies and the brownies (Nom nom is there anything brownies can't make better???) ;-D
Bliss Chick: I know, good observation -- I feel so thankful for my minor catastrophes readers. Hugs back at ya from Bozeman!
Far, Far Away Reader: Funny, I wouldn't describe myself as an introvert or loner, and yet I relate to everything you described. (Esp. the desire to drop off a gift, and hope the neighbors are not there...and then berate myself for even wishing that!) As for brownies with lots of butter and such, my favorite recipe is posted under the "Permission to Dine" icon at the top right-hand corner of the blog. This particular recipe also calls for frosting the brownies. Because brownies alone just aren't enough :)
(Although I fear we use different measurements than you in Denmark, no?) Har det bra!
Amy: Thanks for chiming in -- I'm going to make something yummy and deliver it soon.
Beast: Next time I see you, I'm totally bringing cookies, just in case.
Wife of A-Hole: You know, I love bran muffins, and always tried to eat extra healthfully while pregnant. Good idea!
Hey, FarFarAwayReader, I can so relate to what you're saying. They say the internet threatens personal relationships because we can dodge the face-to-face stuff, but I dodge it anyway, regardless of the internet. Out here on the prairie, miles from neighbors, I pretend there's a geographical excuse for my social lapses. Ha, that's hogwash. But Megan's blog was my first foray into internet friendships, and nobody can convince me there's no room for depth. This group of open and vulnerable (and funny!) people have enriched my isolated life, and there are times you guys hear stuff I can't quite say in person.
So, hello, FFAR, and welcome to the fold.
niceladywithdog: Thank You! I am grateful to be welcomed into this group of warm, nice and funny people. You all brighten my day several times a week. And even though I back in the late nineties spent a few years chatting away my future (hey at least I got a husband out of it) I have been fairly non-social on the internet for the past 10 years. I guess Real Life (whatever that is) took over for awhile there.
Megan: after I read your comment I started thinking about the words Loner/Introvert. And though I do put myself in the category... at the very least the Introvert one... I am probably not completely one by definition. I have close friends, just not many, I can function at a party, but best if there is someone there I can escape to in case of extreme embarrasment and/or lack of subjects to talk about. I can open up to strangers fairly quickly. It is just not the case very often. But when I talk about it with my closest friend, she scoffs at me and tell me I do so much better than her. So maybe my introverted-ness/loner-ness, is more a case of it being in my head. However weird that sound.
BTW. Measurements no problem at all. Except for those fluid ounces.. whats up with those anyway? Especially when it concerns butter. But not to worry, I will not let a small thing like that stand in the way of cake. Never.