in honor of my birthday i'm changing my name
Monday, September 19 
I tend to get reflective and philosophical every year around my birthday. Kind of boozy-acting, except without the actual booze. So I was walking dogs with my friend Savannah in this mind-frame, and we were talking about some sort of guy-related dribble, and woo-woo stuff started pouring out of my mouth. It was windy and a little hard to hear so I was talking loudly and said something like, “He’s not getting your essence, your YOU-NESS.”
To which Savannah stopped, paused, and started laughing. “I didn’t hear what you were saying for a second, but then I thought you were yelling at me, demanding that I call you Eunice.”
So there. I turned 43 last week.
Kiss my aging ass.
And call me EUNICE!
(Shawn turned 42 the day after I turned 43. Which, I don’t know. Doesn’t that seem sort of passive aggressive? Or something? He pulls this shit every year.)
In any case, I thought I’d use this birthday opportunity to showcase the fine cardmaking work of Fave Auntie and my Uncle John. John is the photographer, and I believe Fave Auntie is the concept person behind these works of art that they mail us every year. (Pretty amazing when you consider Fave Auntie and Uncle John live in Florida. We see them at least once a year though, and John usually has a camera pointed at us…Hence, these images that end up on cards.)
This bit of smart-assery was sent after Shawn's ridiculous idea that he should bike and run the 60 miles from our house to Yellowstone National Park to celebrate turning 40 — which he did.
I guess anyone who reads my blog regularly remembers what inspired this most recent birthday card.
"The pee ring goes like this," — also of course refers to a recurring minor catastrophes topic...When I showed this card to a friend and mentioned that I intended to post it on my blog, he said I really should reconsider; that it might be over the line. So I added a little something, to address what I'm guessing he was concerned about:
In any case, since I had absolutely no recollection of performing this act in public — let alone in front of my Uncle John(!) — you can imagine my surprise in receiving this card last week.
Am I breakdancing? Demonstrating how boys used to light their farts back in high school? Am I drunk? Drunk and teaching my Uncle John how to insert a tampon? Demonstrating how a squirrel might deliver her own baby?
Any other bright ideas out there?
Luckily, Shawn's brain is younger than mine and he said, "I remember exactly what you were doing."
We were camping in Florida five years ago, where the ticks like to latch on to warm, pillowy human parts. So two out of three boys had tick-infested nuggets, and I had just poked my head inside their tent to investigate a series of alarming screams, only to discover naked boys performing surgery on themselves with tweezers. In any case, I was recreating the scene I'd just witnessed.
Whew!
Eunice is relieved.
Reader Comments (17)
Thank goodness for younger brains and better memories 'cause I couldn't for the life of me remember what you were doing there. Thanks Shawn!
These posts really do sweep the full spectrum of human emotion. The first act was quite light hearted, followed by act 2 and much laughter, and then in the final act it all went south. Suddenly I find myself in the horror film of "tick-infested nuggets". As a male with the aforementioned equipment, that's not an area I'd really want to tweeze anything out of, and can only imagine that was featured in at least one of the "Saw" movies at some point.
Love the birthday cards , how funny is that. It is interesting that you and Shawn are almost exactly a year apart. You were smart to marry someone younger with a better memory lol. Cause I would want to remember what the heck I was doing on my back like that. Hope your birthdays were awesome and I love your new name Eunice.
I'm once again reminded of what I'm missing as someone who no longer shares a desk with you. What great conversations we used to have about your sons' genitalia and the way your bladder works and of course, some stuff that's just gross.
Now, I have no stories to tell my wife at the end of the day, and my vocabulary is no longer growing.
It makes me want to come begging for my old job back just to be closer to your YOU-ness, Eunice.
But.... No.
I can't resist. Jerry has already commented and the low-hanging fruit is still there:
Be grateful you weren't talking philosophically to Savannah about your pee ring. She might have thought you were telling her to call you....
I'm so, so sorry. I didn't used to be like this.
FaveAuntie: You know, I was relieved it was the tick thing, because it really could have been any of those other options, knowing me (cringe).
Jerry: Screenplay! Thank you. I should monetize this and send it to the fine folks who make those Saw movies.BTW, neither boy had just one tick to contend with. Sayin.'
SDA: Yeah, and for 24 hours I'm TWO years older than him. He doesn't forget to savor that, either.
A-Hole: You're freakin' funny. I don't care what anyone says.
(OK, the truth is that I'm just so proud to think I may have had a hand in your potty mouth.)
Does it make you feel any better to hear I am turning FIFTY-SEVEN on Wednesday? I plan to pirate your line about acting boozy but without the actual booze. However, I may just add the booze. Not because turning so old is a bad thing, but I just kinda like the booze, y'know? And I like birthdays. Especially my own. I don't get presents because I wait until the actual day to announce the celebration, but I do get exactly the kind of cake I like (because I make it myself) and I do get lots of fun and special feelings. Getting old is a hoot. (It does make it easier that RRD has the grace and tact to be NINE years older than I...)
And now about your writing: Is there a more brilliant writer out there? I think not. Except perhaps for FaveAuntie and Uncle John. Those are brilliant captions.
You'll be glad to know, nobody would recognize it's you in the "tick-nugget" pose. It could have been anybody doing that insane thing. (Yeah. Right.)
You'd think that I'd learn not to read your posts while enjoying my morning cuppa. Because, laughing coffee out of your nose really hurts!
Ok....I just did that "laugh out loud so suddenly and blasting-ly that I think snot just shot out of my nose!" Good thing I wasn't drinking something right about then! You ok Pooknelle? That's some pretty funny sh*t! Hehehehehe! Sigh...sniff! You guys bring such amusing normalcy to the world! It's nice to know that we (my family and I) have kindred spirits out there! =)
Oh and Wow, what an awesome idea for the birthday cards!!! Way to go FaveAuntie and UncleJohn!
Haha that happens even to the best of friends. You've got such a great sense of humor, you just made my day cheery. :) Eunice is a good idea for a name by the way.
NLw/D: Oh happy, happy birthday, you! I wish I were there right now with a big box of cardboardeux wrapped in ribbon. We could carry it out to the coop and the garden and work and talk and stop for refills. Hope RRD is extra nice to you today!
Pooknelle: Glad I could oblige :) Or, err, I'm glad FaveAuntie and Uncle John could oblige.
Laurie: Maybe we could start calling it "the new normal." Seems catchy, no?
Halley: Welcome, girl! And thanks for reading me...
Oh Christ I never laughed so hard in front of my computer. Eunice.
Happy, happy birthday, Eunice!
Thanks, Christy! Thanks, Mel!
You make me laugh, so much. LOL Thanks Eunice. And Happy Birthday.
It is interesting that you and Shawn are almost exactly a year apart. You were smart to marry someone younger with a better memory lol.
Year Old Birthday Party Ideas