attitude adjustment
Monday, December 19 
For the past few months I’ve done some vague work whining in this space. Somehow, I feel like I had a small breakthrough last week. It’s not a result of a pay raise or corporate recognition, or suddenly knowing what my next chapter in life will be; it was more of an internal shift.
I was in the break room filling my water bottle when two new employees walked in. How long have they worked here, I wondered. A month? Two? I had no idea. Younger than me, sparkly and hip, working in the ad department, I’d written them off as not my type. I’m sure we have nothing in common, I thought.
They are two among many new faces that I’ve managed not to interact with over the past months, related to a tide of employee turnover and “job condensing.” For myself, the past years have turned my niche magazine department of five people into a department of three — a designer, a part-time ad sales representative, and me.
So I’ve chosen to feel adrift, upset, and not invest in the new faces. I miss the old faces. So I haven’t gone to building-wide potlucks, haven’t participated in anything outside of my immediate job duties. Screw everyone.
Problem is, I haven’t really enjoyed my own company as much lately, caught in this mindframe. So I finally started that gratitude journal I mentioned in a past post. And while it might sound cheesy, this writing down 10 things I’m grateful for, it’s got me walking out the door in the morning with a slightly different head on my shoulders. It’s not poetry. In fact, it’s just a groggy reaching for what is good in my life and nailing it to paper while I sip my morning cup of coffee:
12/15 Today I’m thankful that:
1. I have a son with a heart big enough to include outsiders in his life.
2. I connected with all three boys last night.
3. I still have a job.
4. My car is still running.
5. I have a catch-up week at work without deadlines.
6. The house is cleaner/more organized than a week ago.
7. Shawn is coming home tonight.
8. The dishwasher is going to be installed.
9. We can afford a modest Christmas, and spend time together w/family.
10. There are people who inspire me in the world.
In any case, I pushed past my initial thoughts in the break room and introduced myself to the new women. They seemed surprised and told me their names. “How long have you been working here now?” I asked.
“About six months,” one of them replied.
Six months.
Really?! Six months and I’d never gone out of my way to say hello, introduce myself, or make them feel welcome.
I suspect I’ve been a complete asshat, except I don’t actually know what an asshat is. (Asshat = hat that somehow fits on an ass? Anyone?)
I believe in the Golden Rule. Sometimes I forget to live it. I forget that these new faces, young women and middle-age men laid off from some other job or unemployed and relieved to have a job with my company, probably would do better to stay away from long-time employees that exude negativity. Starting a new job in a big building is unsettling. How do I want people who know the ropes to treat me when I’m the new kid?
So last week I baked cookies for the cookie exchange. I went to the employee Christmas party and visited with co-workers. I introduced myself to “new” employees, many of whom apparently aren’t so new anymore. I might have even had fun, but I’ll probably need a few more weeks with my gratitude journal before I’ll admit it.
Anyway, happy holidays to you and yours. I actually feel pretty relaxed going into the holidays this year. And I’m sincerely grateful that you take time out of your busy life to read me. It means more than you know.
END NOTE: I’ll post the minor catastrophes party invitation with details this Thursday for anyone who might like to/are able to attend, and then sign off until the New Year. Hope you can make it!
Also, couldn’t help myself. From the Urban Dictionary online:
1. Asshat: One who has their head up their ass. Thus wearing their ass as a hat.
(P.S. I don't want to be an asshat. For obvious reasons, but also because I fear my ass wouldn't look very fetching as a hat.)
Reader Comments (11)
You are far from alone in the negative department! I love the gratitude journal and even though I don't always write mine down, I try to remind myself (and another not so positive person in my life right now) that things are really pretty darned good in the big picture! GOOD....FOR....YOU!!!
An asshat. Sounds like you'd have to be a pretty bendy kind of person to achieve that... physically. Sounds like it hurts. Hmmm.... I've been fairly preoccupied in my own holiday grumpiness as well. I'm not a journal keeper, but I have been trying to think of things to be thankful for each morning and trying to do that smile even when you don't feel like smiling thing... even if you're alone. It feels really weird and super cheesy at times, but you know...? it kinda works! Just the act of smiling does something to your current frame of mind and it actually works. It's weird, but what the hell.
Thanks for reminding me to pull my head out and to stop letting my bubble get so closed in and small that I forget that other people exist.
Gotta just keep smiling....
This last year have been blasting by me at a million miles an hour and I've been struggling to keep up. Consequently I have hovered around the edges of depression for a few months now. I think my new years resolution this year will be to keep a gratitude diary for at least three months and see if I can change the speed of my life to one that I can keep up with. Or at least try to keep up a lot better instead of just giving up beforehand.
Today's number one would be that I am grateful that my daughter doesn't yet understand enough English to know the word asshat. I have been muttering it under my breath, making up all sorts of funny and weird sentences all through cooking dinner. :) Would have made for awkward dinner conversation... Mom, what is an asshat? Uhm... you see honey... it is a... uhm... special mushroom?
Have a merry Christmas, a great party and a happy NewYear :)
It sounds like you are going to have to do a lot of stretching before becoming an asshat. Unless, you have a background as a circus contortionist that you haven't told us about because you are saving it for a day you can't think of anything to post.
Thanks for the reminder to be grateful for what you have. Happy holidays!
Funny, six months is about how long it takes for me to notice someone new at work, too. Then they act surprised when I talk to them. Tis makes me an asshat, too. Oh well, at least I'm in good company :)
Grateful? Yes. For everything that is here and an awful lot that isn't. I've always said, if things had gone my way, I would have sold myself short a long time ago. Life is good. Peace to you and yours.
Given my nickname, I feel something of an expert on asshats and you are definitely one only in the most flattering sense. Sometimes it feels good to be so bitterly sarcastic about the state of things that I laugh until my eyes water and I miss that about working with you.
Your new practice is probably much healthier though, and I really admire you for actively taking responsibility for your perceptions and hence your reality. You're a role model.
Ooooh, ooohh, can we play "Pin the Hat on the Ass" at the party? Oh, please?
Gratitude is something my mother has always mentored, so I have a great advantage but I get no brownie points for it. She is grateful for everything. Some is like gratitude that only one tire is flat (which is legitimate! How many spares do YOU carry?) but other big gratitude things are like Thank You, Lord, that I survived my aneurism. (It would never occur to her to say, Lord, how come I was the one with the aneurism, huh?)
The times I've chosen to ignore that important part of my upbringing have been my own punishment.
So, congratulations on your decision. You are to be admired since it's a choice you are making. We were conditioned to it can't claim any moral high ground for it. But YOU CAN. Aren't you grateful for that?
Thanks for all of your most excellent comments, everyone. They make my day. Just came across this quote in the book I'm reading, regarding money and gratitude (It's a fairly old title called "Your Money or Your Life."):
"...Once we're above the survival level, the difference between prosperity and poverty lies simply in our degree of gratitude."
p.s. Far, Far Away Reader: Not sure how short the days are in Denmark right now (would be interesting to compare degrees of latitude between Denmark and Montana to compare experiences), but we don't have a lot of light here. Doesn't help those of us who struggle with depression at all. Hang in there, light is returning as the days get incrementally longer -- tomorrow is the equinox! (Also, is there some Danish equivalent to the word "asshat"?)
I've been reading William Glasser lately, the poster boy for Choice Therapy/Reality Therapy. Fascinating stuff. His premise is that whatever we're doing and however we're acting is pretty much what we're choosing. It's a revelation to many that we're not victims but people who got stuck and either won't, can't, or don't know how to get unstuck. I feel like a pretty stable person, but as I read, I see areas where I evidently prefer to paint myself into a corner and then whine about it. And there you are, Megan, you haven't even read the book and you're making a choice on how to get out of the corner. Nice work!
And I love that book, "Your Money or Your Life". Great perspective.
Megan: The days are very short, I think today we clocked in at little under 7 hours of sunlight, which is horrible. But as you said, equinox is here, finally! WooHoo! Let just hope that the rest of the winter will give us some snow and not just the heavy gray skies, and then I'll be OK.
Asshat in danish? No... not exactly.. but I've got Røvbanan (Assbanana) :-D (so don't want to know the origin of that one!)
NLwD: Would love to know the title of the Glasser book -- it sounds like good stuff. We missed you at the hootenanny, but feel your pain. Two out of three boys just got over violent stomach flu here. Are you all better? (Good thing you weren't on the road with it!)
FarFarAwayReader: Just looked at the map and Denmark is a good bit north of us. We're getting about eight hours of daylight right now, which seems short, so seven would certainly be rough! Assbanana? That's hilarious! You've one-upped us with that one, I believe. Happy New Year!