i'm having a party. you're invited. don't expect much.
Thursday, December 15 
Me, age 6: "See? I told you my party was going to turn out totally lame."
Well, apparently I’m throwing a party, and you’re invited.
For real.
Here’s how it all transpired, that a professed Hater of Party-hosting should be inviting to you to her home.
My parents, FaveAuntie and Uncle John are all coming to our house for Christmas. Because FaveAuntie and Uncle John are high-maintenance relatives, we’ve been cleaning non-stop in preparation and the boys have been working on not farting, burping or swearing nearly as much.
It’s all been very exhausting.
In any case, I think it was Uncle John who recently mentioned in the comments on this site, “Let’s have a blog party while we’re visiting!”
What he didn’t say is that he suspects you are all just a hoax, and that I’m like the Wizard from The Wizard of Oz behind the curtains, writing my own comments under adopted personas like Nice Lady with a Dog, SDA, Pooknelle, Heather, Sherry in Mt., Bliss Chick, Laurie, Jerry, A-Hole, Kim, Melynda, BrotherJohnsSis, Big Fan in MD., Healthy Nurse, Savannah, Mrs. F, or any one of the treasured cast of characters who occasionally chime in.
Or maybe he thinks I’m Sybil.
So anyway, whether you’re a commenter or someone who reads without ever commenting, you’re invited to my house on the evening of Tuesday, December 27, with details to follow in a future post.
In the meantime, I need your advice on how to throw a party. First of all, let’s address my party fears.
What should I do if you stay too long? Because on weeknights home alone with the boys, I fall apart at about 9:45 p.m.
“I want to go to bed,” I whine to my offspring. “You guys need to go to bed so I can go to bed!”
After five minutes with no response from the boys, Eunice steps in: “All right. Computers off! Phones off! Music off! Everyone to bed. NOW!”
Also, I’m a cheapskate. What if you snarf down the meager snacks I provide like you’re in one of those televised eating contests? (I’m definitely not setting out a tray of hotdogs, I can tell you that much.)
Can I state in the invitation not to bring anything, unless you plan on inhaling everything in sight, in which case please bring an appetizer — or two — to share?
Or what if you suck down the alcohol like it’s Tang on a hot day? I mean, I guess I can set up a cot in FaveAuntie and Uncle John’s guest bedroom (which is actually Middle Son’s, but he’s being evicted to Youngest Son’s room for the duration of their lengthy visit).
Finally, if you don’t find my blog amusing and we've never met outside of minor catastrophes, you should know I’m even less fun in person. I’m trying to think of a word that describes me. Sour, maybe?
So anyway, if you live anywhere around southwest MT., I would definitely tolerate you coming to my party. It’s even conceivable that we might have fun, assuming it’s not awkward, which we won’t really know until it’s too late. And while I hate to pressure you, I need to show my relatives who are flying out all the way from Florida that I really do have some readers out there. So save the date, December 27th, to come over and drink and eat (a little!) and stay (not too long, says Eunice).
This is partying, minor catastrophes style.
Reader Comments (29)
This post contains the most misdirection, misinformation and out right incorrect data of any post you have made to date. Except for the part about our being high maintenance. You have the heated sheets, fine bourbon and on-demand masseuse poised, right?
As far as farting, burping and swearing goes, FavAuntie & I can hold our own, thank you very much. We are looking forward to seeing you & yours more than I can say. As well as these mythical readers of yours.
As my high-maintenance husband stated, this post is full of shite.
(Please make sure to have some fine rum and/or the best cardboardeaux $2 can buy.)
We can't wait to see you all and if it's just us at this party, we'll all be in bed by 10.
Oh this is too too funny, I so wish we could be there again this year. However we have to go to the other side. I do so love coming to your house for a christmas party. There is just enough chaos to keep it interesting. With a hyper dog and 6 hyper boys I love it. So where are your parents staying? I do hope you have a good time and that the boys don't burp and fart too much or at least more than the dog. Make sure your guests sign the bathroom wall too. I always like that part of my visit. Merry Christmas
Watch out MC readers... I just might show up with my food-scarfing, wine-guzzling self. Of course, I am super awkward at parties where I don't really know anyone, and I have a hard time making conversation, but I think that will just add to the fun.
Can't wait to meet this cast of characters.
High maintenance? Hardly. Their tastes are developing for fine scotch and expensive run. But they've been known to drink their share of cardbordeaux and enjoy it.
As for bedtimes, FaveAuntie & BroJohn have been known to look at each other at 10pm, and say "Wow, late night".
can anyone say eggnog? From scratch?
The little sign in code for the above post was "xpukes" is that some kind of cosmic jokester expressing their opinion of eggnog?
We-ell. Hmm. I dunno. I was going to pick cat hair out of my socks on the 27th. But think how many walks we'd have to take to process the night you spent by yourself with all that food you spent days making, and that after you'd Martha'd out the place getting it ready for your favorite relatives. Welllll. I don't have anything to wear but I probably won't get invited to a party again until you're dead, so I guess I'll come and try to have a good time throwing the ball for Angus. In the house. At the cat.
Did I hear Scotch? Don't get me started! Last time I drank Scotch I was reciting Chaucer in Old English by midnight.
Oh darn, a party invitation and I am way to far away to venture to Montana. To be precise: 7300 km (thanks to google maps, a piece of paper and the precision tool of my finger).
Though I am a new reader, lurking by nature and not a great comment writer I would have loved to see just how bad you are at throwing parties.. :)
Savannah: Chaucer in Old English? I'm there!
Can we get you to do it before 10:00? Eastern Standard Time?
I thought they were only high maintenance about their coffee. Would love to join you on the 27th in person but will join you in "spirits" with my glass of cardbordeaux.
Wow, I've been dreading this. My party angst starts running the tapes in advance. There I am, lying on the floor with my mouth under the spout of the Carbordeaux, gulping and snorting it out of my nose, thinking I'm the life of the party. I can see me, balancing the hors d'oeuvres on my nose like somebody tormenting a dog, thinking I'm entertaining. That's me there, stumbling into the wall, believing we're all dancing. Watch me telling the same joke for the twelfth time, wondering if this is the punch line that goes with the joke. Oh, and pulling up my shirt to make some point, forgetting what my middle aged midriff looks like. The best part is looking up and realizing I don't recognize anyone, and later discovering I'd come to the house next to yours. That usually saves me a lot of apologizing later.
Never mind; I hope to be there anyway.
Whoa! The random-letter-spam-test letters to send that last post were (I am not kidding): f u k e s t
Tell me that's a coincidence!
So many posts and no one addressing your concerns... Hmmm... OK, you've provided a date for people to put on their calendars. When you finish, list the timeS (start & END) so folks go home by 9 pm (or whatever time you want). It is a work night, after all :). Next, it's a pretty friendly blog. Make it a pot luck with a theme (Mexican? Desserts? other?) People can BYOB while you provide a festive punch. OK, people coming from more than 50 miles away don't have to bring anything. Nice Lady with a Dog, do you need a place to stay? I wrote this all last night & it wouldn't let me post--grrrr.... second try....
PS. Do we wear name tags w/ our blog name or do we play a game of clues to see if we can figure out who is who?
Oh, Nurse, bless you for being grown up and selfless about Megan's dilemma. We're all acting like we've had a few drinks already! (Not to extend generalizations...)
I'd love to stay with you just so your maturity might rub off onto me, but my daughter lives in Belgrade, so I have a place. Thank you for your kindness.
I like all of your suggestions except for the nametag thing. Your Turn has given us some good clues, and we can fill in the rest, I say.
As a sidenote: Megan, I'd love to see a list with links to all the "Your Turn" people so I can study up... and I wish I had picked a more creative name to post under.
Brother John and Fave Auntie: Angus says he would like to sleep with you.
SDA: My folks are staying at a hotel. Their choice :) And thanks for the reminder to send arriving guests to the bathroom to "sign in." Safe travels and wish you could be here!
Melynda: Sweet! I would love to see you. And you bet, I'll get something up to link names to Your Turn posts.
Brother John's Sis: Actually, my mom would probably giggle and admit to being the high maintenance one. And it's possible that no one would disagree, God love her.
Pooknelle: Eggnog sounds yummy, 'cept I've never actually made it from scratch! And I think NLw/D is with you: there's some sort of cosmic jokester behind the code controls for the comments.
Savannah: I'll inquire with Uncle John on the Scotch (neither of you would approve of the cheap-label Scotch I would supply, I fear), and you bring the Chaucer. I really, really would like to hear you recite. And thank you for recognizing the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity this party presents.
FarFarAwayReader: Holy smokes! I'm intrigued. Fave Auntie and I are intrigued. We were trying to guess at over 4,000 miles away, where you might be....London? A hint? Please? Perhaps we should Skype this shindig?
Big Fan: Perhaps you could ship some boxes of Maryland crabs as well? I really don't have words for how amazing that feast was — hands covered in Old Bay, greasy bottles of beer between chunks of delectable crab feverishly shoved in mouths...I don't have a regional equivalent to offer here, although Shawn might mention elk, deer or antelope backstraps, cooked to perfection.
Nice Lady: I will show all the neighbors a photo of you before party time, with instructions to unobtrusively pull your shirt back down, take you by the hand, and gently guide you back to our place, should you land there first. And oh! I so hope you can make it! The cardboardeux is going to be carefully chosen and stocked with you in mind.
Healthy Nurse: All good ideas! Thank you :) I'm gonna take a deep breath and do this thing. Hope you can swing by.
Allow me to address your concerns. Somebody has to be the adult around here.
Q. What to do if my guests stay too long?
A. Well really, that is a problem isn't it. You're resourceful, and on a case-by-case basis, I'm sure you'll do the right thing.
Neighbor: "Where'd you get the new bird feeder?"
You: "Well, one of my readers came over, ate all the food, and passed out in my bathroom, so I planted 'em ass-up in the garden, and voila!"
Q. Do I or don't I ask folks to bring an appetizer?
A. Make it optional. It's perfectly acceptable to ask folks to, if convenient, bring a dish to share. Another upside, the people bringing something will know there is at least one item there they'll like.
Guest: "Wow! These bacon-wrapped deep-fried sausages dipped in cream cheese are fantastic! Who made these?! Oh, right, me! They sure help get ride of the taste of that experimental homemade egg nog!"
Q. What if the booze runs out?
A. You live really close to a late-night convenience store. A hunting party can be formed to go bag the kill and pack out the carcasses. It'll work out. Which leads us to...
Q. What if people don't like me?
A. They'll all be seriously mind-cripplingly drunk! Of course they'll like you! If you have additional doubts, just ask folks to show up already tipsy. We've talked in person briefly a couple times now, and I would say at an absolute minimum, you can, without hesitation, be described as "adequate".
There. All better? Good.
(of course with comments like these, I suppose I won't be surprised if my invitation gets lost in the mail)
Megan, a hint you say? Hmm OK... I am from the land of famous fairy tales... or fairy tale writers.... :) and if I should bring an appetizer I would bring... smørrebrød (openfaced sandwiches on, usually, dark rye bread, with loads of cold meat and garnish.)
Wow. This is really a tempting invatation. I'm temped to hop on a plane up to Montana. And I'd really like to see your mother again. But sadly, I work that day, so I'll pass on this invitation, and next time, plan your party date about 2 months in advance so I can ask for it off!
Far far away reader. DENMARK !!!! Nice hints.
SDA: Yup you are right. I am from Denmark, and I suppose, even though the invitation is very tempting, my Christmas budget would be stretched just a tad too far flying across the pond to Montana. But I wish all you lucky able-to-get-yourself-to-Montana a great party :) The smørrebrød you'll just have to dream about hehe.
Jerry: Straight up genius. Your invitation will not get lost in the mail -- I'm turning this whole operation over to you, how would that be? Also, could you bring those bacon-wrapped deep fried sausages dipped in cream cheese? Shawn can't stop talking about them.
Mary: I'm honored you would consider such a thing! Lucky for you, we'll have another chance to re-connect. My ma is sending you an invitation to their 40th anniversary party in Utah in July. We'll keep our fingers crossed that it meets up with your doctoring schedule.
FarFarAwayReader: Du er i Danmark! Mange takk for lese meg. Er du Dansk i Danmark, eller Amerikansk i Danmark? Jeg like smorrebrod mye. Min favoritt er gjeitost med kneckebrod...(Jeg var sammen med ei Nordman 23 ar siden, og husker ei lit Norsk enna. Forsta du meg -- dette er lignende til Dansk, ikke sant?)
Oh, OH! Am I too late?!
I have my inlaws (outlaws?)!coming to stay for three weeks over Christmas (you know, just like they have done, without needing an invitation, for the last TEN YEARS), so I would love to escape...
What if people stay too long? Turn off the lights and say goodnight...
Should we bring appetisers? I will bring whatever you wish... Except inlaws. How about Christmas cake and haggis? Wensleydale cheese and wine?
Suck down alcohol...? I have a terrible confession..I'm not sure you will ever give me access to your blog again...but, here goes. I can't drink alcohol. There, now you have it. However, I will gladly give you my share....
On the positive side, that ensures I will be able to drive overstaying guests to their hotels/motels/homes/trailers/tent in the garden; and that I will be available to ensure NLWD keeps her clothes on. Or most of them. Unless you need entertainment! (having just looked down at my own suet-like midriff, I think perhaps I should take back that thought, and fast)
Ok, confession time.
"Also, could you bring those bacon-wrapped deep fried sausages dipped in cream cheese? Shawn can't stop talking about them."
I was afraid this might be interpreted as an actual dish. I was really just rambling and making up something that sounded truly and disgustingly American (it would appear that I succeeded). This may require experimentation. ;-)
OH my gosh, this is what I get for slacking on my blog reading for once. Wow, a shindig I can't refuse! I'm so excited! Course, now my hubby has pseudo committed us to this weird new dish that supposedly sounds extremely fattening and deliciously enticing. Hmmmm... It'll be fun to watch him try anyway. I'll just volunteer now to bring another dish as well. Oh and we'll bring something to drink, too. You shouldn't have to provide a thing..... uh except perhaps a really clean toilet just incase the intake exceeds the tolerance levels. Hope not. Wouldn't want to embarrass myself in front of Angus.
Just to clarify, is this with or without kids?
Oh and Savannah, if you wear your cat hair encrusted socks, I'll wear mine! =)
Mrs. F: If we pass the hat around and collect gas money, can you fire up that airplane and jump on down to see us? (Surely you've watched Mr. F fly enough to go solo?) And goodness, I still adore you even if you don't drink -- I'm sorry to admit, it makes you quite useful, as you've suggested... Haggis. Well, I guess I'd have to comply with the "try it rule" before I knock it, right? I think it would be a real show stopper, in any case, as I'm guessing few partygoers will have ever tried it.
Jerry: I know you can pull this off!
Laurie: Hmmm, good question on the kids thing. Having a party in winter is a bit intimidating, as in the summer the back yard offers a trampoline, chickens and Angus for all that young energy. We do have a downstairs with couch and an evil, brain-sucking X-box. So kids could certainly come along, but I fear it won't be half the fun the adults are having :) So up to you...
Megan jeg er meget imponeret. Dit norsk er fantastisk efter 23 år :) Jeg er dansk i Danmark, og jeg nyder at læse din blog. Du er meget sjov :) Mit ynglings smørrebrød er flæskesteg med rødkål og appelsin.
Well I lived in Norway 2o years ago and my norweigian, which admitted was never very good, is now non existent. But as you say, danish and norweigian is very much alike and what I don't know off hand I can guess :)