making friends with being alone
Sunday, August 29 Have you seen the movie Date Night, with Steve Carrell and Tina Fey? While not one of the top movies I watched this past year, it was entertaining, and had some great moments. One of my favorites was when Carrell is talking to his wife, Tina Fey, about sexual fantasies. Their marriage has become ho-hum, and Carrell wants to spice things up a bit so that she doesn't get bored and leave him. He admits he's always fantasized about Cyndi Lauper, while Fey (a busy working mom) pauses and says the only thing she fantasizes about is being alone. Eating her lunch completely alone, and maybe enjoying a Diet Sprite to polish it off.
It made Shawn and I laugh, because I've mentioned the same fantasy. And every fall when Shawn and the boys go hunting, my fantasy comes true for a few delicious days. As soon as the door shuts behind them, I clean the house while the Hallelujia Chorus plays in my head. I'm always amazed when I wake up the first morning after they've left and guess what? Happy day! The house is STILL clean! It always takes me at least a day to unwind, my thoughts to quiet enough for those seemingly unthinkable questions to bubble to the surface: What would YOU like to do with yourself today, Megan? What would YOU like to eat? Would you like to watch TV, or curl up with a book and read all day? Can I get you a glass of wine or a plate of nachos?
See, it's pretty awesome.
Only lately, with the boys all teenagers and into their friends more than ever, I see the writing on the wall. They're all going to pack up and leave one day, and the house will be very quiet. If Shawn or I die well before the other, would we be able to make a nice life for ourselves alone? I see both our sets of parents getting older, married for decades, and wonder if each of them is emotionally prepared to be alone in the world.
I have a longtime friend who went through a divorce before I did and was a comfort to me when I went through one too. She has been through a series of boyfriends in hopes of remarrying, the latest for the past three years. The relationship was rough from the start, and hasn't gotten better. I try to be there for her by asking questions to help her find clarity: If he doesn't change, would you be satisfied to live with things the way they are? (No.) Has there been any improvement or sign that he's listening to your needs? (No.) Can you somehow find contentment with your life with him right here, right now? (No.)
It seems pretty clear to me that she needs to move on, but she doesn't want to be alone. Somehow her brain has tricked her into thinking that being in a bad relationship is better or safer than being alone. I don't know how I would (or will) react when Alone stretches out endlessly before me and isn't just an island of precious time each fall. But I want to tug on my friend's hand and say, "I like you. I think you'll like being with you, too. Come on, you're going to be okay."
I want to show her this video I found on a friend from high school's blog to show her the empowerment and peace she might find.
Reader Comments (16)
I love that video. I posted it on FB and there were lots of women who really appreciated it (the video, not me posting it.) My fantasy is being alone, too. Being alone and not having to work for a few hours, really.
Those of us, you included, who have lots of friends and family will never really be alone if we don't want to be. Hopefully we can find the balance between loving alone time and calling on friends when needed.
Being single for as long as I was I made peace with being alone. Now that I am married I would like more alone time. I got so comfortable with being alone that I need it to have some alone time. Here is to alone time during hunting season. Your friend needs to remember that alone time does not need to be lonly time.
Well said, SDA.
Even though I'm on marriage number 3 (and final!), more of my adult life was spent alone than with a partner. It's way better to be without a man than have one you don't really like being with. A tough lesson to learn, sometimes, but a very good one.
And as much as I love being with BroJohn, I enjoy the alone times. When else can you have cereal for dinner?
When I met my husband (the now and forever one) and spent time with him, I told him being with him was as good as being alone. He got it!
I'm contemplating the possibility that lonely might be the opposite of alone. I want to think about that for a while.
"Lonely' can mean a loss of contact with ourselves. I think I read that, or maybe I made it up, but I believe it. There have been times in my life I felt absolutely frantic for someone, but journaling helped me see it was more a need to escape growth and depth, and not because I needed human contact. Keeping a guts-wide-open journal can sure help a soul deal with loneliness.
Your friend is lucky to have your love and insight. I pray she heeds it.
And ... great video! Thanks.
Oh, FaveAuntie, doesn't it feel wild-eyed and bold to admit to three marriages? Notice how I waffled in my comment, but you emboldened me. My third and final one, too! Finally I got it right!
Thank you fav auntie, when else can you control the remote, choose the movie, eat icecream at midnite ect. Sometimes it is hard to be comfortable in your own skin.
Melynda: Yeah, that video obviously resonated with a lot of people, as there were over a million views on the YouTube page. There's something very sweet and comforting about it. And I agree about finding balance with both alone time and communal time with those you care about...
SDA: I imagine you did get very used to being alone. Maybe more impressive is that you've gotten used to being married! I think it's cool you still need alone time, though.
FaveAuntie: Oh, I can just see you sitting around in comfy clothes after work when BroJohn is on his solo camp or some such, happy as a clam eating your bowl of cereal :)
Nice Lady: Wow, that sure rings true about loneliness being a loss of contact with self. I journaled every morning during the first year of my separation from my first husband (agreed to start each day with Ten Things I am Thankful For to center myself) and found myself less lonely than when I was with him.
Wow Megan what an admission.
Your friend will learn that life lesson when she's ready. She just isn't ready yet, but your friendship and questions will help her eventually see that it's better to be alone happy than lonely and unhappy in the wrong relationship.
I'm reading this book called The Language of Letting Go. It has helped me a lot with my issues, maybe she can benefit from it. Just a warning tho, it mentions God and that sort of thing, so if she is a devout atheist, it may not be for her. Hope this helps!
Becky, I have that book. I agree; it's really, really helpful. And without God, I'd be toast, so I appreciate that aspect of the book. Even for a non-believer, though, the info is just rational and solid and encouraging and helpful. Just plain GOOD.
And I like your perspective about readiness. Growing slow like an oak is stronger than growing fast like bamboo.
You'd be someone worth knowing.
Sounds like I need to read that book!! who is the author and how do I get one , out in the middle of nowhere South Dakota?
SDA, go to Addall.com and look for The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. Every internet bookseller in the world is on that site.
Long ago I read a book called Co-dependent No More, which was also by Melodie Beattie, the author of The Language of Letting Go. It was a great help to me at the time, and I can imagine this book is just as good...
Maybe she'll see the strength in being alone with your friendship guidiing her. In the end, she has to be confident and comfortable with who she is inside, validate herself, rather than need that validation from others.
I hope she gets there.
When we were still dating, my DH said to me that being with me was as good as being alone. I understood and he knew I would understand and I said "yeah, it IS isn't it". It is a good reminder to not lose sight of that idea once you do get into a relationship. Great post, thanks for provoking some thought.
Thanks, NLWD, that's a very kind thing to say. And at this point in my life it's really appreciated. :)