worry, it's what i do
Monday, August 23 
Our house at the beginning of this summer.
I was listening to NPR recently, and heard that the nationwide unemployment rate has hit an all-time high. Unfortunately, we're part of that club in my house. Three years ago Shawn saw the writing on the wall that his job working for a non-profit agency was getting cut. So he did a brave thing for a guy looking 40 in the eye: he went back to college. This past spring he completed certification for teaching high school science.
When he first told me he wanted to go back to school I encouraged him, but worried. It would cost much of our savings, and require me to be the only one with a paying job for a few years. As managing editor of several magazines owned by a newspaper company out of Seattle, I experienced some difficult changes in my job while he was studying. Like most newspapers nationwide, I saw co-workers lose their jobs only to have their duties heaped on remaining staff, along with pay cuts. It's an emotional rollercoaster feeling interchangeably relieved to actually have a job, and resentful that that job no longer pays the bills or allows creativity anymore, just stressfully rushing to meet deadlines.
I've been looking forward to Shawn getting a teaching job, allowing me to perhaps renegotiate my current position back to a place where I enjoy it again, or find another job. But when it came time to apply for science teaching jobs last May, only two were posted. Many people applied for them. Shawn applied for both, interviewed for one, and didn't get the job. We were bummed going into the summer, although we had a bunch of materials already purchased to continue remodeling our house, and Shawn threw himself into it, collapsing into bed each night.
Our plan this year is to have him substitute teach because even though it pays half of what a teacher makes and doesn't offer benefits, it makes sense for him to be seen in classrooms right now. Little worries smolder, though. We can't afford another year of subbing after this. What if a job doesn't come through? Do we send him out of town to get a teaching job and have him commute home on weekends? (We've agreed not to move the boys away from their friends or their dad as teenagers.) He could probably get a job if he were willing to relocate. I know couples endure this out of necessity sometimes, but wow, that would suck. I rely on him for physical and emotional support every day. Do we have him take a non-teaching job just to pay the bills? Would you like fries with your order today, ma'm?
It's just a vortex of yuck, this job-fretting.
I was visiting with a girlfriend the other day who's supported her husband, a carpenter, while he's struggled to find work amid a collapsing construction industry. She said it's been hard on their marriage. "I've felt resentful that I'm the only one working, but I feel like I can't express it because he has such low self-esteem about the whole thing."
While I'm far from the point where my friend is, I can see that this situation can wear marriages down over time. Luckily, Shawn and I have been able to talk and make plans together to deal with our finances as we go. At one point my friend said that she and her husband had to set up ground rules for this chapter in their marriage. "You can't grill me on what I did with my day," he finally told her. He felt that she didn't trust that he was using his time productively while she worked. It felt condescending, rubbing his nose in what he was well aware of: that they weren't equally contributing to their household.
Truthfully, I don't feel that inequity. Shawn has been keeping track of the boys much of the summer, and often works well into the evening on projects that make our life better. Problem is, equity in the house won't pay our bills right now. Writing this, I realize that even though I haven't shared much about this particular stress, I started this blog last summer as a lifeline of sorts. It coincided with my need to continue doing creative work when that opportunity was disappearing in the office, along with worries about pay cuts, how/when we were going to return to a double income, what we were going to need to give up to make ends meet in the meantime...It's been good to have a place to write it all down. Sometimes we carry a heavy load of bricks and don't even realize it until we set one of them down, and feel lighter. Sometimes things we dare not write down are the ones that need to be voiced most.
Our house now, with beefed up insulation and new siding thanks to Shawn, his dad, and a little help from Oldest Son.
Reader Comments (6)
Love the pics of the house. Hope Shawn gets a job next year. Hope this works out for you and that you can buy a drink one of these days.
Yikes, sorry to hear about your stresses. This probably won't make you feel better, but everything that you're worried about has put my silly worries into perspective. What the hell am I whining about?
Buck up, little camper. Things are going to get better, I feel it. :D
I just read an article called White Collar Juggle in WSJ wherein they discuss the economic challenges of families, and I have to say, you are doing very, very well. I don't mean because you have loads of money compared to others, but because you make sane decisions. The article tells of a dad with two jobs saying to his kids, "You like playing soccer? You like kayaking? Then leave Daddy alone so he can get his work done." WTF? Megan, you and Shawn are OUT THERE WITH YR KIDS, doing cool things WITH THEM. Way too many people are hard up with no work and no cash, but how many of those poor folk are exacerbating things by giving their kids no life, no values, no face time, no clue, when the opportunity for those things will never be greater or have more positive impact! Take heart, woman. You two are doing something more important than you will possibly ever know.
Aw. That's a nice comment, NLwD. :D
I agree with NLWD time with your kids is the most important thing , you dont have to be rich just rich in love.
SDA: Yes, they did a great job on the house. Feels good every time I pull in the driveway.
Becky: Yes, I know the stress will eventually ease. Hard to always be patient, though :)
Nice Lady: Thanks for that reminder — it was needed. And actually, you're right. We do do a lot of things with the boys, but as you know, Bozeman is pretty affluent as a whole, so it's easy to feel a bit more poverty-stricken than is really the case. And, as you allude to, there are many types of poverty.