dude, it’s fine. really, i don’t care if you’ve never heard of me.
Monday, August 16 
New York City, photo by John PorterI inevitably learn something about myself whenever I’m out of my comfort zone. Getting around New York City alone by bus and subway was empowering — even when I got off at the wrong stop in a sketchy Bronx neighborhood and had to call City Boy (my brother) to help direct me to a safety.
But arriving at BlogHer’s annual conference with 2,400 mostly-female fellow bloggers was overwhelming. Somehow masses of estrogen milling confidently about caused me to regress to high school mentality:
Nobody knows who I am!
Everybody knows each other except for me!
There’s no one from Montana here!
Nobody knows I’m awesome!
Throughout the 2-day conference there were opportunities to meet and connect with other bloggers, sessions to attend on all things blogging (improving your photography, increasing website traffic, creating a better looking site, creating on-line community, etc.) and a chance to meet sponsors and collect free swag from them.
At the end of the first day, back at City Boy’s apartment, I told his sweetheart, an actor, about my day and he said, “It’s hard when we’re not the center of attention, isn’t it?’
And I was like, “YEAH, it IS hard.”
Wah.
So the next day I put more effort into introducing myself to others and asking questions about themselves and their blog to try and find some commonality. Polite questions about what my blog is about left me floundering for explanation. How to answer, how to answer…
“I write a lot about poop and recipes”?
See?
It was a problem.
One of the first bloggers I met was from Florida and writes strictly about theme parks. Honestly, she might as well have said she only writes about geomorphology. I had nothing for her. I didn’t have the heart to admit that I’ve made a life of avoiding theme parks with my kids. Fifteen dollar burgers, long lines, the thought of overheating and enduring rides home with kids high on cotton candy makes me twitch.
Undeterred, I plopped myself down at lunch next to a woman sitting alone. “Mind if I join you?” I asked.
“No, go right ahead,” she smiled. We exchanged names and I asked her what her blog was about.
“I write mostly about sex and porn industry reviews,” she said.
Okeedokee then.
“I’ll bet that’s interesting,” I managed, choking down some pasta salad.
She was a large young woman — not more than 25 — with short, shockingly dyed red hair and distracting piercings. I couldn’t help but wonder who she was having such share-worthy sex with.
Then an older woman sat down next to her and asked if she’d been to the booth that was giving away free sex toys.
“Yeah, I tried one this morning before the conference, but it wasn’t doing the job,” Red replied. “I think it was designed poorly. It was sort of sharp.”
Sharp?!
She put something sharp in her Hoo.
Not. Good.
Once again, I had nothing. I still can’t believe with my big mouth that I couldn’t come up with one good, sassy thing to say.
But hey, all was not lost. The sessions were helpful and inspiring, and I found some swag of my own I was excited about. Even though I’m not a meat eater, I pretty much fell in love with these alarm clocks Jimmy Dean was giving away. I gave one to my FaveAuntie and brought some home for the boys.
Because who doesn’t love a sausage clock?
Nothing says I love you like a sausage clock.
What time is it?
Oh. Wait. Wait!
Let me check.
Why, it’s sausage-thirty.
Me presenting FaveAuntie (left) with a sausage clock. I do regret that I could not bring one back for all the loyal readers of this blog. I also regret that I look sort of bitchy in this photo. Photo by John Porter (my most excellent uncle, but answers to BrotherJohn).
Reader Comments (11)
My husband can't figure out why I have a hard time in social situations since I sure talk plenty at home. It's that square peg/round hole thing (NOT talking about a SEX TOY!), but I cannot imagine trying to find my niche in the place you describe! So much of that experience would have been wasted on a non-writer.
And you do NOT look sort of bitchy. Bemused, perhaps. Culture shock, perhaps. But your eyes inexplicably seem focused, which is quite an accomplishment, all things considered.
I believe you have a typo in the caption to the second picture. You typed "bitchy" where you should have said "bitchin". I'm just sayin'.
We had a most excellent time spending quality time with you &, especially, Middle Son. In your absence he was quite the young gentleman. If he, or any of your tribe, get on your nerves too much just throw him onto a plane to Florida.
First, I'd like to amend BroJohn's statement to say we had a most excellent time with you, middle son, City Boy, ActorExtraordinaire, parental units, and friends.
Second, I LOVE that clock. It is displayed proudly on my dresser where I can see it every day. It makes me smile.
Oh the joy of playing well or playing at all with others. You do look bemused. Sounds like a great time and I was with you there in spirit. I love your blog you write about whom and what you know. You also have a loyal readership.
New York sounds like quite a trip. A sausage alarm clock! I must say, when I saw the shape of the box I was somewhat relieved, given the tone of some earlier comments I thought (sextoysblahblahblah sausage alarm clock!) It is not actually shaped like anything resembling sausage, oh whew!
It would have been funnier if it would have been shaped like sausage.
Lol. I thought the same thing about the sausage clock. Sausage thirty is like that song by Flight of the Conchords, Business Time. "You know when it's sausage thirty, that means it's business time, baby!"
I want to go the the BlogHer conference! It sounds like fun! Sex toy discussions and all. ;)
A few people I know went to BlogHer and had a blast - but they're all in the middle of this little social niche that I sit on the fringe of and watch. Once, when I started getting sucked into the social vortex, I got completely overwhelmed and ran the other way, screaming. Or, rather, NOT making any noise so as to no longer draw attention to myself.
I'm sure there were helpful insights and conferences and I hear the swag was drool-worthy (sausage clocks? who doesn't want one of those?!) but it seems more like a who's-who of blogging. And a whole lot of estrogen all in one place.
Oh, Becky. "You know when it's sausage thirty, that means it's business time, baby!" You make me scream! Megan, you sure have cool friends.
Nice Lady: Yeah, it's a weird thing to be as friendly as we are, yet experience that freezing up thing in social situations.
BrotherJohn and FaveAuntie: I can't tell you how touched I was by how seriously you took your aunting and uncling with Middle Son. (You changed a nound into verbs, yo!)
SDA: I wish I could've gotten you a sausage clock! We traveled with backpacks (no luggage), so I was pretty tight on space.
Pooknelle: I guess it's precisely because it is just an alarm clock with a wholesome sausage message on the face that made me love it so...What can I say? I have a fondness for the ridiculous and quirky.
Becky: Okay, I'm sorry this comes across as tooting my own horn, but did you happen to see my post that featured that Flight of the Conchords song?
http://minorcatastrophes.squarespace.com/journal/2009/10/12/business-time.html
Those guys are geniuses!
Heidi: Yeah, I don't know. I chalk my whole experience up to me being a bit of a loser. Sort of a "Really, no. It's not you, it's me," thing. How could I not think that when everyone there was clearly having so much fun?
Nice Lady: Indeed :)
Where were my manners??!! I totally forgot to ask you about the conference! Let's get together soon so I can get your bitchin' commentary. Love to hear what they covered, especially given the company and the clocks.