dear mr. controlling: i like you. love, bossy
Monday, March 8 
Shawn and me (The pasty-white couple...Is this an ad for sunscreen? Seriously.) backpacking the Black Canyon in Yellowstone National Park, May, 2009.
Shawn and I are friends with a couple who are going through a rough patch and often complain about each other to friends. I have another friend who has been unhappy with her partner from the start of their relationship, yet still hangs on; upset about things he does and doesn’t do.
As Shawn and I were puzzling over these relationships we both came to the same conclusion: These couples don’t seem to even LIKE each other anymore. There might be loyalty, stubbornness, fear or even some form of love keeping them together, but friendship has left the building…or was it never there to begin with?
Early on, when Shawn and I were dating, it hit me that if he and I had met but for some reason weren’t romantically inclined, we would’ve probably been good friends. I just like hanging out with him that much. When I told him this, he smiled slyly, “Yeah, I would’ve been your friend. But I think it’s unlikely I would’ve just been your pal and not wanted to get naked with you at some point.”
Okee-dokee, then. I’ll take that as a compliment.
In any case, it’s not like I have some dangerous notion that Shawn is perfect. But there’s a difference between not liking each other and not liking certain things about the other.
At some point during our conversation I took a brave breath then said, “So. Are there things you don’t like about me? Because I’d rather you tell me than tell someone else. At least then I can be aware.”
“There’s not much. Not really,” Shawn said.
“Not much? “ I said, feeling my shoulders tighten. “What do I do that you don’t like?”
Shawn looked at me a moment, quiet.
“This is important,” I said.
“Well. I don’t like when you’re bossy, when you get in my face and nag over and over about something,” he said.
“Is that it?” I said.
“Yup.”
Well, OF COURSE I’m bossy. And I do nag. It’s true. But only because sometimes I’m pretty sure he NEEDS me to tell him what to do and when to do it…and then make sure he doesn’t forget what to do and when to do it. How else will shit get done? Is this not my role?
“You want to know what yours is?” I asked.
“Sure.”
“I don’t like when you get controlling. You get really stubborn and stuck on the idea that things have to be exactly your way sometimes.”
“Is that it?” he asked, as if to say: Well, duh. Of course I’m controlling sometimes. I’m Shawn.
“Well, no. You’re super messy too. But I still love you. Okay?”
“Okay.”
Maybe it’s a lot of pressure we place on our marriage friendships. I love my girlfriends, but I can’t think of one I’d want to hang out with 24/7. I’m sure they feel the same about me. And when we’ve had enough of each other, we can just be “super busy” for a week or a month and then when we call each other next? It’s all good. It’s not so easy when you’re married and your spouse is making you batshit crazy annoyed.
Both Shawn and I watched our first decade-long marriages fail. Can we trust each other to still see all the good in each other for 10 years and beyond? I’m a bit like a social scientist about marriage this second time around. I watch couples around me who’ve logged some years together, collecting hopeful little crumbs that suggest that I can get it right this time. I read a friend’s blog who writes about her husband greeting her home from a run with a homemade latte, catch my sister and brother-in-law sneaking a hug, or listen to details of my aunt and uncle excitedly planning their next travel adventure, and I see what’s possible.
I see that the friendship that romantic love feeds off of is often in the details. It’s noticing that Shawn gives me a backrub every night, no matter how tired he is. It’s watching him help the boys with math homework at 9:30 p.m., long after my brain has put the Closed sign up. And it’s knowing that even if I’m a bossy nag sometimes (Yeah, but...) he still digs me.
I’m not trying to oversimplify. I don’t think Shawn’s and my previous marriages failed just because we weren’t friends with our spouses. But I’ve seen the Viagra commercials, and I know what’s coming. (Err, or not.) Anyway, when his plumbing fails and Madame Menopause puts a hex on my desire, it’s seems like a good idea that we’re able to laugh and find other things to do together.
Check.
So, kindly throw me a crumb if you have one to share: What are some of the little things that your sweetie does that nurtures your friendship? (If you don’t have one, what would be on your list of important little things?)
Reader Comments (10)
He still knows how to make me laugh - even if it's because he's wearing red sweat pants with his black work socks from the day before when he comes to breakfast. It's hot. HAHA!
I really love this post, it's a nice reminder when I kind-a need one!
I love this post. I think being friends is SO important for a relationship. I have friends in relationships/marriages that have been together for 10+ years and they don't seem to really even like eachother anymore. It's sad, but unfortunately it's all too common.
Miss Bossy: Here's a few crumbs: we make each other laugh (usually at each other's foibles); we share the same dreams for our future - with minor compromises; we always thank each other; we support each other's hobbies/avocations. But you hit the nail on the head when you said that liking each other's company is key.
BroJohn and I have been together for 12 or 13 years. HOLY COW how did that happen? That blows my mind. Anyway, I see a long sweet and happy life ahead for you and Shawn.
Friendship is definitely key, I think. I love that you to took what you don't necessarily LOVE about each other and just threw them out there - and that neither of you got all huffy. I think THAT is a testament to the two of you.
Rob makes me laugh. We compromise. We don't take things too seriously. We talk to each other. We're not afraid to apologize when we've been wrong (and we're both wrong, a lot). I dunno exactly but at nearly 14 years together I think we're finally getting the hang of this. HA!
OH! Here - so for YEARS Rob had been trimming his facial hair and then just cleaning the INSIDE of the sink. This drove me apeshit crazy. Kid you not. Loony bin. One day I just blew up at him like a crazy person and he got seriously upset at me. I came upstairs and apologized - told him that I shouldn't have yelled at him like that and then explained what I was really trying to say. I told him that it felt like he was just saying, "Oh who cares. Heidi'll clean it up." which I felt was just completely disrespectful. He was still upset but said ok and thanked me for apologizing.
Guess what? I haven't had clean up his facial hair since then. And I've thanked him for it.
Wow what a post today. Even after almost 5 years of being married I still dont think I even almost got the hang of it yet. Being friends is very important. One thing we do is say I love you everytime one of us leaves the house and everynight when one of us goes to bed. We still hold hands almost everyday and hug. I saw how my grandma nagged my grandfather and made a decision long ago not to nag. My other little secret is everytime he does anything around the house and I mean anything , I thank him alot and give him a little affection. I find that it makes him do more around the house more often and since I work outside the house and he works at the house we really benifit. As for Mr Controlling lol I think it runs in the family because I am a control freak too.
Oooh, this one's hard for me. Been married almost 18 years and I feel like he's the sweet, intuitive one and I'm just gettin' through the day. I'd like to chalk up my shortcomings to being brainpower-diminished after having three kids, but I worry that's it's really because I'm self-centered.
He fixes my flat tires even though I don't ask, makes me lattes, cleans up when I can't see straight, sends me on surprise trips and generally sees what I need, sometimes before I do. He's nothing short of amazing, though he can be bossy, too. I have raised our boys and kept our credit rating excellent. I guess that counts for something.
For us, the biggest oomphs to our marriage are times alone. Maybe you get more of those when the boys are at their dad's, but we just don't get that much time together, without interruption. When we do have those times, it's so easy for me to get past my petty grudges and remember why I adore him.
In general, I think it just comes down to not taking each other for granted. The squeeze on the bum, kiss on the forehead, the quick "you look hot!" comment in the hall make a huge difference.
I love all these comment-posts! Thanks everyone for sharing what you know.
Shanna: Now that's a guy with confidence AND a sense of humor. Both "must-haves" on my list!
Michelle: It is sad to observe, especially when you like the couple...
FaveAuntie: Twelve or 13 years -- holy cow! Time flies. But actually, didn't your friendship actually start in high school? Pretty sweet. Thanks for the affirming prediction :)
Heidi: I can envision the two of you laughing A LOT. I've gotten better at the apology thing as I've gotten older. (Turns out that offering an apology doesn't actually KILL me.) Even if I'm just "owning my part," that's often enough to turn things around. And yeah, I'm not big on the facial hair in the sink either...
SDA: Now that you mention it, I do remember you and your sweetie holding hands a lot. That's a nice image...
Bliss Chick: Wow, congratulations on 18 years! And you're still able to list all the sweet things he does for you and you're still getting a "you look hot"?! Sounds pretty good to me. Seriously though, that alone time is important. I hope you get some soon!
Well, It helps that my honey is a great cook and our family's primary cook. My cooking really makes the family grumpy! Not taking things to seriously is a good one, when things suck being able to say, yup this sucks but it is not the sum total of my existence, it is just this little thing that sucks right now.
Alone time after a long time together is even more important. A few years back we had a long car ride alone together and found out that we had missed these long conversations without realizing it. Kind of a revelation, It turns out that sharing your hopes and fears over time is so very important. We had the affection and daily nice things, the little compliments, but had missed that biggie. It is hard to get that sustained time alone when you are raising a pile of kids on a shoestring, but it is possible and important.
Turns out that I am a nag too, I asked my honey and he chortled "oh absolutely". I call it "gently reminding".
Twenty-two years (how did that happen?) into marriage number two, I guess it stuck as my mom would say. For us, the key has been to laugh, at ourselves and each other. It's made the good times even better and the rough patches a little easier to bear.
I think it's pretty cool after this much time together that every time I hear the garage door open and hear his car pull in, I still smile. And that makes me feel damn lucky.
Great post!
Pooknelle: Interesting how sometimes you don't realize something is missing until an A-ha moment wakes you up and you have that hindsight. Also, I agree that sharing miles alone in a car can be a great time to connect. Something to do with unwinding and actually being able to hear your own wants and desires enough to communicate them. Hope you guys get some miles alone together soon :)
Denise: I love that image of the garage opening and you smiling. After 22 years, no less! Thanks for the inspiration...