i guess this means i don’t control everything?
Monday, February 8 
Morgan Freeman (God) leaves TV reporter Bruce (Jim Carrey) in charge of the world.
Oldest Son was potty trained at 18 months. We’re talking both pee and poop, in the potty. I KNOW. I’m amazing. I remember wondering why all the fuss in parenting books about getting one’s offspring to defecate in socially acceptable places. Then I had two more sons, and they taught me lesson number one in parenting: There will be times when despite your best efforts, you really aren’t in charge of outcomes. Turns out I’m not almighty master of my sons’ bowels after all, as neither of them had any interest in peeing or pooping anywhere but their dipes until their third birthday. Before then, I was under the delusion that there was something that *I* did that made things come out smelling like roses.
There are situations where I’ve caught myself still thinking like this. For instance, I’ve always had this subconscious belief that I’ve been spared a serious car wreck because I’m in control, because I drive safely. What happened the other morning put the brakes on that notion.
I was dropping Oldest Son at high school, when I turned off onto a residential side road to avoid morning congestion. I saw a large Sweetheart delivery truck barreling towards me on a cross street ahead, but didn’t think much of it because he had a stop sign and I didn’t. Perhaps because the stop sign was attached to a street light instead of freestanding, he blew through it and charged towards me with no time to brake as we met at the intersection. I swerved violently around the front of him, my heart hammering.
One second.
One split second difference and I wouldn’t have had time to swerve and he would have T-boned me through the passenger side. I pulled over, stunned. I turned around to see what kind of reckless jerk would drive like that and saw him pulled over as well, head in hands. It’s okay dude, blow it off. I’m okay, I thought tearily.
As I drove off I realized like never before that there’s a whole other side to avoiding life-changing events that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with statistical probabilities and luck. The experience made me think about dying or becoming physically debilitated for life. It happens all the time. Bad things happening to good people.
I don’t believe God or any higher power is at the controls when it comes making bad things happen. (I’m okay if you do.) I don’t believe God made the earth shake in Haiti. But I do believe God can give us the strength and grace to pick up the pieces and handle what happens. And the compassion to help others when we’re watching it all go down from the sidelines.
Anyway, the image of a Twinkie truck smashing my car and crushing me like a ragdoll has me a bit in awe. In reverence for all the people who weren’t spared that second and have had to figure out how to accept it and move forward. Learn to forgive in a way I’ve never been asked to.
It’s humbling for this control freak to realize all the things I’m not in charge of. And a bit unsettling to think I’m not completely in charge of whether I get to keep my family, my health and all the other good things in life. But I’m thankful that for whatever reason, I was granted an extra second the other morning. Thankful for all the times you and I were granted that extra second, when we never even knew life was that close to changing.
Reader Comments (8)
So glad that your final appointment was not with a twinky truck. No matter one's beliefs we all have the same final destiny, but c'mon a TWINKY truck? I mean a Haagen Das truck ok but please not twinkys. I don't know about you but when I go out I wanna go with some class.
Seriously though, this type of situation always makes me think, does everyone I could leave behind know how much I love them?
I'm thankful you had that split-second to swerve, too.
It's so hard to not be in control. It's even harder when you realize that you're NOT in control and you desperately have the need to be. When your life is spiraling in a direction you never saw coming, like a Twinky truck, and you have no way to put on the brakes.
But then, like you after you had your new miss, you regain some control. You control the choices you make. And you can choose how you're going to react to the situation. You could have sat in your car crying or gotten out and kicked that Sweetheart's ass. Did you do either of those things? Nope. You forgave him, took stock of what you had and moved forward with a new perspective.
Incidents in life CHANGE us but they don't have to destroy us. They may alter the course of our lives but they don't have to derail them completely.
We always have an element of control as long as we are able to make choices.
And, for the record, forgiveness isn't always for the other person. Sometimes we have to forgive the other person in order to forgive ourselves.
I'm done blogging in your comments, now.
Wow. Thank goodness for that second. Also - ditto what Heidi said.
I love how you go from poop to life-or-death.
So glad you're still here, funny girl. We've got that acrobatic cycling gig, after all.
Amen on the whole poop-to-death transition. You're amazing.
Hey, thanks for all the sweet/though-provoking comments everyone...So the latest update on this theme is that we had another potentially life-changing event over the weekend. Oldest Son has been doing tricks on skis all his life. Downhill skiing is how he connects with his dad and friends, so he is up at the ski hill most weekends. He jumps beautifully, but it has always given me knots in my stomach and left me with awful worries like, "It's not IF, but WHEN," as far as injury.
Anyway, Sunday he was up there and attempted a double back flip. He landed on his head during the second rotation and his right ski slammed into the ground first. He may have fractured that side of his hip. We're taking him in for an MRI today. So hard when boys are in those invincible years. He knows my stance, that the potential payoff for mastering these feats is so completely not worth the potential harm...My hope is that this injury will be just the ticket for getting him to reconsider.
We'll see.
It looks like we will have to double up on our prayers for your family ! Take it easy and let us know how Dylan is doing poor boy.
ACK! What's the verdict??
As Shawn says, "He tore his ass." Or, in more medically correct terms: He tore the muscles/ligaments associated with the gluteus minimus where they attach to the greater trocanter (sp?) — the bone on the side of his hip. So it's hard for him to get around without pain, but at least he doesn't have to have surgery since the tearing wasn't complete. At least he didn't break his neck. At least...
At least we've bought the rest of this season without any ski tricks. Seriously though, thanks so much for all the emails and concern, Heidi, everyone. One upside to these things is you realize all the ways and places you have community that cares about you and your family.