I guess we’ll go ahead and call it repulsive parent week
Thursday, February 25 
Just so I don’t leave the impression that Shawn’s body is the only one on this parenting team that inspires nausea, I’ll share a story from my own archives.
Oldest Son, now 16, was in fifth grade. I was making breakfast, and he was in the bathroom near the kitchen getting ready for school. But first, understand that Oldest Son is not easily grossed out. Aside from daring him to eat tomato-seed slime (which didn’t go so well), the kid could probably survive scavenging rotten carcasses with coyotes when the end times arrive.
Anyway, this particular morning I could hear him ranting from inside the bathroom. I couldn’t make it all out, but what I could hear went something like, "Oh my gosh!” cough, cough. Then, “THAT IS SO SICK!” — said like he was spitting words down the sink.
Then he appeared in the bathroom doorway, glaring at me, lips pursed all pruney and his arms crossed in front of him like an elderly nun who’d just caught someone self-pleasuring.
Oldest Son: That? Is so completely gross.
Me: What?
Oldest Son: That!
Me, walking towards the bathroom: What?
Oldest Son, pointing inside the toilet: Your VAGINA hair?! DO YOU THINK YOU COULD AT LEAST FLUSH IT? THAT IS THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I’VE EVER SEEN. WE ALL HAVE TO LIVE HERE, YOU KNOW.
I looked down and there, floating in the toilet, was a six-inch diameter tangled ball of light brown hair. Oh, buddy. Oh, sweet little buddy. I was totally dumbstruck, and it took a moment before my brain and mouth were able to put anything together.
Me: You mean you?
Oldest Son: Ugh!
Me: You thought?
Oldest Son: What?
Me: THAT IS NOT MY VAGINA HAIR, PAL.
Oldest Son: Yes it is.
Me: NO. It’s not! Do you see this hairbrush? I cleaned it out this morning for the first time in six months and thought I threw it in the garbage, but obviously missed. I promise you mommy doesn’t have that much vagina hair. Besides, how would I ever zip my pants?
(Note to Self: Figure out why Oldest Son assumed I kept a 1970s porn star or a wild-and-woolly backwoods Montana ‘do…Or not.)
Oldest Son, shrugging: Anyway, you shouldn’t throw it in the toilet, you’ll clog the pipes.
Me: You’re absolutely right. Thank you. Can I have a hug?
Oldest Son, looking at me like I should be dipped in Lysol: Not right now.
END NOTE: I haven't heard Oldest Son utter the word vagina in many years.
Reader Comments (11)
Gotta give the boy credit for an vivid imagination. Poor thing.
Oh good lord, I can't even imagine having this conversation with my son ROFL!
Question for you...a few months-ish back I THINK you mentioned a book you like about raising boys and I was trying to remember the title of it...happen to remember?
Laughing out loud. In my cubicle at work. Yes, it is worthy of spelling out. So many thoughts flitting through my brain cells and not one will I share. Except - I love you guys!
HAHAHAHA!! I seriously nearly peed my pants reading this. SO FREAKING FUNNY!!!!!!
Note to self ( cross legs tightly before reading Megans blog) Your boys have some repulsion huh and vivid imaginations lol. It is a good thing they do not have a sister lol. As usual so very funny.
This is one of the first stories that you ever told me when we drove to Sun Valley. Hilarious! I was hoping it would show up on the blog.
All I can say is thank you. I was in the worst mood and you just made me laugh so hard that my stomach actually hurts. I mean in a good way.
Oh boys, why is it that they can be grossed out to the point of moral outrage by a thing like a cleaned out hairbrush and then be such....boys? I mean what is more disgusting, a hairbrush or that rodent in a bowl of saltwater in the fridge that he is going to eat for dinner?
Thanks for the great comments, everyone!
Shanna: I think the comments in the post you're remembering reference two book titles: You Just Don't Understand Me, by Deborah Tannen (which I haven't read; it was recommended by another reader).
The other title is The Female Brain, by Louann Brizendine. What I loved about this book is that it was also about the male brain, and why we're so different. Explained a lot of things about myself, my sons and my husband that I found helpful, as it spanned both sexes' lives and brain development from infancy through old age. If you're interested and can't find it in your local library, email me your mailing address and I'll happily loan it :)
I am crying. . . this is soooo funny. But it makes me thankful I have really short hair and no need for a hairbrush!
Oh holy crap that is FUNNY!! But think - you could, like, braid it and stuff if it was that long.