the angus chronicles, chapter three: my award-winning book proposal
Monday, February 1 
Oh, the things I've seen...
One of the things I’ve always wanted to do is write a book. I’ve published short fiction in the past and might get a Master of Fine Arts in creative writing someday, so perhaps I’ll write a novel. If everyone in my extended family becomes mentally incapacitated and is wearing dipes before me, then I can write a memoir about my batty, funny, sometimes sad and you-absolutely-won’t-believe-this-shit-but-really-they’re-generally-lovable tribe.
Since neither of those books are going to be written any time soon, I came up with another idea. I could travel the country collecting stories of what couples’ dogs do when they have sex. This fine idea came to me after over-sharing with friends some stories about Angus in the bedroom. Turns out both girlfriends had stories of their own, which made me think there might be lots of interesting tales out there about what Fido does when the headboard starts rattling.
One friend said her dog howls when things turn extra-lovey at her house. There must be some serious concentration going on if they can Close the Deal with that sort of racket. Another friend admitted she recently fell off the bed onto her dog while having sex, and had to take it to the vet. When queried about what sort of bedtime gymnastics were happening over at her place, her husband muttered something about oil and losing his grip. *Ahem* Apparently the story at the vet was in the neighborhood of, “I dunno, he’s just been limping a while…”
Angus pretty much does one of three things during Business Time: He sits down next to my shoulders and stares at us with his little, beady rat-eyes. (“I’m sorry, I just can’t do this with him staring at me like that.”) He jumps on Shawn’s back and looks at me over his shoulder. ("Yeah, forget it. He’s staring at me again.”) Creeper. Or he climbs under the covers and LICKS MY ANKLES.
I wish I was kidding. You know, maybe it would be nice if I could just go with it: I’ve got a wonderful man trying to make my day brighter, and a DOG! LICKING MY ANKLES! Kind of a two-fer. Except, every time it happens I involuntarily kick and hear myself screaming — and, just to be clear, it’s not the “Oh, I’m having such a fabulous time here,” sort of scream.
We tried pushing him out and shutting the door, but that’s why the paint’s all scratched off now. Turns out the desire to take a meat hammer to a small, persistent dog grew faster than the umm, romance. Dog: 1 point. Amorous couple: 0.
Do you have a dog in your bedroom?
View Printer Friendly Version
Email Article to Friend
Reader Comments (7)
Gee, why hasn't anyone posted, Dr. Ruth?
Our sweet but mopey dog just tends to sigh really loudly, as if to say that ONCE AGAIN, we're doing something FUN and leaving her OUT.
Thanks for having this blog so I can talk about intimate details of my life without having my parents admitted to the ER for cardiac arrest. It's really nice. Megan's family--I salute you!
we have cats and we usually put them out of the room but after a while they meow and scratch the door. But dont lick anyones ankles . This is just too too funny, I am surprised you have bussiness time at all at your house. Honey I would say it is me or the Damn Dog. oh you poor poor poor girll roflmao Now I have to explain this to my honey because you know I am going to start laughing when the cats start knocking. Sorry to laugh at your missfortune but with dogs and boys in the house oh this is just too funny
Holy crap, that is hilarious! Our dogs aren't allowed upstairs anymore--because of the kids, not because they are inturrupting anything. I find that two kids (1.5 and 3) are more a deterrent than the dogs. As I recall our dogs either layed on the floor and ignored us or left the room. You must be putting on a better show than we are.
That was hysterical! Honestly our dog is more interested in the vacuum cleaner, but you know I'm tempted to make something up because it just sounds like we're so lame to say "yeah, our dog doesn't even notice" .
Ummm, it's beginning to sound more and more like it's just MY DOG with this issue, when I thought it was universal...Perhaps Angus is in on some master-plan joke. Or maybe the boys are feeding him on the side and whispering instructions in his ear?
I can't even say what I want to say because Rob will absolutely KILL me. HA! So, uh, I hope you have a great weekend, Megan. :-)
My hubby's former dog, Chip, would whine and try to get in between us if even hugging or kissing were going on. But we have a firm "no dogs" rule in all the bedrooms (hubby doesn't like the smell of dog on the blankets, plus we have two BIG-ASS Weimaraners who would take up the whole bed if allowed to). But they do lie directly outside our bedroom door waiting for us and if they know we are awake or they can hear anything, they do whine and sound pitiful on occasion (thankfully, not every time!!). I frankly don't know how you do ANYTHING "business-like" with a dog staring at you, Megan! Good luck .
P.S. I'd read a book about this, but only if YOU wrote it. :) XO