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Thursday, October 14 
Middle Son agreed to sit for this photo with me yesterday only after I agreed to pay him a dollar. Photo by Youngest Son.
Well, we finally have resolution after two very stressful weeks. I wish Middle Son was returning to school tomorrow, or next week, but at least he wasn’t expelled until next February, as we were told was possible. He was expelled until November 1, which means we’ll home school him for the next few weeks rather than find a new school.
Fair? Not fair? I don’t know. This whole thing has felt harsh, but we were able to have our say, and really, that’s been the take-home message to our boys throughout this situation: When you break a law, your future is placed in someone else’s hands — and you’ve given them the power to determine what’s fair.
When we arrived at the board room the principal, vice principal, school district lawyer, superintendent, assistant superintendent and school board members were seated in a horseshoe shape, and we sat before them. My ex-husband, Shawn and I decided to bring all three of our boys to the hearing, which created some discord.
“I’m not going to proceed until we know who these boys are and why they’re here,” the superintendent said. “I’m uncomfortable with this.”
I don’t know what happened, but some force commandeered my voice, and from that moment on the stage fright was GONE.
“Sir, these are my son’s older and younger brothers, also students in this district,” I began. “We chose to include them for several reasons including support for their brother; the fact that this has been an openly discussed family matter from the beginning and it’s important for them to experience closure as well; and because I would like them to experience what it’s like to stand before this group.”
I guess the superintendent hadn’t seen siblings at an expulsion hearing before, but the boys were sworn in, and I’m glad we included them. This has been a public matter from the moment people started talking about it (Middle Son even granted permission for me to blog about it) and I can’t think of a better way to show Youngest and Oldest son how seriously such a mistake is taken in our community.
In any case, Middle Son spoke well and did a commendable job of answering questions. “I’m not trying to excuse what I did, but I wanted to stay friends with the guys who brought the marijuana without doing what they were doing. I tried to move into another tent to get away from it, but was told there wasn’t room,” he explained. “When I went back to my assigned tent, the guys put it in front of me again, and I tried it. I feel terrible that I’ve disappointed so many people...but even worse, I feel sad that people think I’m a bad kid now.”
I had been looking down, hands clenching my chair as he spoke, and looked up when I heard sniffling. Tears streamed down Middle Son’s face, and several board members were crying as well.
Volunteering to serve on a school board seems a pretty amazing act of community service. Board members were there for at least eight hours on the day we met with them, conducting hearings with individual families involved in this situation, then gathering for their regular meeting during the evening hours. It was obvious that most on the board serve because they care about kids and education, and when I read my letter about Middle Son, I thanked them for that.
If there’s any remaining bitterness for me in all of this, it is for the school’s policies. I don’t understand how separating students from education is in anyone’s best interest. Already out of school for two weeks now, we’ve been told that we can no longer have contact with Middle Son’s teachers while he’s expelled, and he will not receive any grades during this time.
I think the best consequences are logical. Would it make more sense to have kids who get caught using substances in middle school attend classes on handling peer pressure and substance abuse? Maybe they could even become peer leaders, or pay back program funding by doing community service. But punish kids by telling them they can’t come to school and learn? If they aren’t a danger to other students, then I don’t get it.
When the dust settles, when my digestion returns to normal and stress hormones subside and Middle Son is back in school, I may look into how to respectfully question our local school policies which currently support punishment over linking consequences to actions and issues.
And while I promise not to set up an on-line session suggesting we all clasp our bosoms and sing Kumbaya or anything like that, I just want to say that the support I’ve felt from readers during this hellish little chapter has made a difference in my life.
Thanks.
Thank goodness for iPhoto, which allowed me to edit the large piece of oregano caught between my teeth in the photo up top, which I left untouched here. Suuuper special. Just awesome.
Reader Comments (27)
What a family.
Mom, Dad, Step-dad, Brothers and such an articulate, beautiful and "stand-up" Middle Son all pulling together in crisis. The lessons your entire family has learned during this painful episode are powerful ones. Your sons know that their elders have their backs and aren't just "talking the talk". Middle Son has shown you that he has a strong sense of responsibility for his own actions, a quality that society as a whole would benefit from seeing more of. And all of you have reaffirmed to your extended family (and your readers) what a great bunch of people y'all are.
Wish we had been there to offer our moral support in person instead of from afar. And to hand out well deserved hugs all around.
Yay, I'm so PROUD of you guys! Amazing what a bit of momma-grizzley adrenalin can do to a woman's voice when the time is right. And what a stroke of genius to include everyone in the family. And what a big soul you maintained when you consider the selflessness of the members of the school board. And what a handsome son you have. And what a magnificent 'deal-killer' in your teeth! (I trust it wasn't there when you faced the board...) Congratulations for your corporate survival with your dignity and sanity intact! Huzzah, huzzah! (Whatever that means. I read it once and the context seemed to indicate its use...)
What BroJohn and NLwD said. Seriously, what can I add? Except those are awesome pictures of you and MS (food fleck notwithstanding).
You have a great op-ed piece in the works. It would be interesting to know just what all the school board does and how it comes to various policy decisions. Not having kids, I have not had to think about it but it's obviously an important function.
Cheers to you. I couldn't be prouder to be part of your family.
Man, you guys are rock stars.
I am so in agreement with you on the separation of learning as a punishment. Way harsh and does not do a thing for a child trying to take ownership for a momentary lapse of judgement. I love that idea of peer leadership, community school work.
And this? "When you break a law, your future is placed in someone else’s hands — and you’ve given them the power to determine what’s fair."
I'm going to use this in my house.
I'm SO HAPPY MS did not get the full punishment, he didn't deserve it.
BTW - What a handsome kid.
And our boys share the same first name.
And this too shall pass! You are amazing parents and it was great that you made the board face the student they were disiplining and his brothers . I am glad he was uncomfortable with it. I too do not understand why you cannot have contact with his teachers. I think you have a good idea of paying back through community service or take classes or be peer leaders. I am so happy MS can go back to school in November. I understand your stomach issues because that is where all my stress goes too. You are in our prayers and thoughts and as always we love you .
I can't say it any better than your other friends and family have done, but congratulations to Middle Son, you and your entire family that supported him.
The extended expulsion puzzles me because a big point of these meetings usually is to make the kids explain themselves and feel the magnitude of the situation and that obviously happened. As many have said, keeping children away from education doesn't seem logical.
Middle Son has learned, and will continue to learn, a lot from this experience. He'll be the first to understand and support someone else going through tough times. He'll be able to stand strong for himself in any adult situation from now on. He'll have more experience to draw upon when faced with making similar choices in the future. The lemonade making has already started.
I agree with you and everyone else about finding alternative discipline instead of closing him off entirely to the school until November. Not very productive. I think your ideas to "attend classes on handling peer pressure and substance abuse... Maybe they could even become peer leaders, or pay back program funding by doing community service. " are much more productive ideas and community inclusive instead of shunning and putting the "A" on the front of his shirt. Very old school there. However, good thing your hubby is a teacher, that helps.
Overall, you guys are awesome and great roll models for all of us! I've let my son read all this hoping that he sees the seriousness and consequences when you make mistakes like this and how it leads to someone else then deciding your fate. I applaud your courage, your fear, your straightforwardness with your children and the board and most of all your honesty. Thank you for having the courage to share.
WHEW! I'm so glad this phase of things is over for all of you!!
Not trying to be Polly Anna here, but maybe getting this experience at such a tender age will be an excellent wake-up call on consequences for questionable behavior. Better now than in a couple of years when it could ruin his chance of getting into college or when he's getting behind the wheel.
That said, I'm with you on the consequences thing. I have zero tolerance for zero tolerance policies. Why is it a good idea to banish kids who make a mistake and pull them out of a support structure and stabilizing routine? Adults can be so goony sometimes.
Bravo for you and your family for standing together and working things through. Now go have a lovely weekend!
I'm glad it wasn't worse, but I'm sorry that they still went so harsh. I can't for the life of me understand how depriving him of his learning environment (and even his teachers?!?) is the right choice, but, as other commenters have said, perhaps it will keep him from future similar actions. I think what he's already gone through would have done that, though.
I think you have handled this so well. Congrats on making it through.
Wise words Megan and it sure looks to me like you have made some lemonade. I am SO stealing the "when you break the law your future is in someone else's hands and you have given them the power to decide what is fair" bit. True, succinct, brilliant. Hugs to all.
You have every reason to be proud of MS. He has obviously taken this to heart. And he knows (not that he didn't before) that you and Shawn and all the rest of his family have his back. Interesting that the Superintendent was made uncomfortable by the presence of the brothers. Some day this will turn into one of those stories that families store up. And I'm glad it's over and you can all move on.
I think you have handled this whole situation beautifully. You may not feel it now, but I think you all deserve a pat on the back and here, here, for finding your voice and your comments about the school board. I am not a fan of how schools handle difficult situations. I think they are too quick to punish and not take the situation or the individual involved into consideration. Take a breath and know I'm thinking of you all.
I hope that I can handle simialr situations in my life with comparable grace.
I also hope at some point I might learn how to spell (ha).
Fierce wisdom, grace and dignity.
Hard to know what to say to all of this awesomeness...Wish I could buy us all a round of lemonade (adult version optional).
Was just telling my deskmate at work that sometimes you don't realize how heavily something was weighing on you until you get to the other side and feel so much better. Have a great fall weekend, everyone.
I just wanted to expess how grateful and proud of you in the way that you handled this situation. No screaming or arguing or denying he did anything wrong. Just clear and rational while still standing up for your son and family. I wish more people had these skills. Well done!
Oh wow Megan - what a heartwrenching tale, but what an amazingly honest and beautiful way to deal with it all - you all are inspiring!!! I cried tears of compassion reading the whole thing!
Wow, Megan, what an ordeal! This is definitely a case of the punishment not fitting the crime. I have no doubt that you will all emerge from this stronger, wiser and closer.
Thank you so much for sharing your life on this blog. I don't comment here often but I do read every word of it and those words have a significant impact on my life. I also know that (my) Oldest Daughter reads it as well and it pleases me to no end to think that after all these years you still have a wonderfully positive impact on her life.
Miss you & love you!
I'm so glad this is over now and you all can get on with your lives. Bravo for handling it with such grace and dignity. I think your idea of having kids attend classes on handling peer pressure and dealing with substances is a great idea - especially having the kids be the leaders. (shouldn't that be part of the curriculum anyway?) Seems very worthwhile and productive rather than keeping kids out of school.
Glad you finally know the outcome. I work in a school now and there are a lot of things going on that I question. Like using "positive discipline" and letting kids do whatever they want. Sometimes, actions need consequences and telling a child that he's done something disappointing shouldn't be as difficult as some parents make it seem.
Sigh. I wish some of the parents at my school were more like you. It would make my life, and the life of teachers everywhere, so much more enjoyable.
Word. May I have the wisdom, grace and dignity that you've shown when I face similarly trying circumstances.
In other news, Shawn completely freaked Sis out at school the other day when he was subbing. You can get the full story from him (if you haven't yet) but he said, "Your mom is Heidi." And Sis said he scared her a little with that. ;-)
I'll drop by again and you can sniff my baby and snuggle him while he screams. Tho, he has passed that smell good phase and is fully entrenched in the "day old breastmilk smell". He's still cute.
Lady Mary, Tara, Ray (miss you guys!), Mom Interrupted, Becky and Heidi, thanks so much for reading and letting me know your thoughts. Was hard to know how to handle this "the right way," so I've really appreciated all the support and offering of opinions.
*Heidi, please tell Sis that Shawn was just excited to meet her as he's heard a lot about your family via blogging/work, and did not mean to freak her out or scare her in any way... He said Sis is a doll.
Meagan, I am so glad you commented on my blog post and thus prompted me to come on over and find out what happened. I got very teary reading this post. Thank you and thank your son for allowing you to share what happened. I don't think it would ever occur to me to handle this as well as you have - I *know* I wouldn't have thought to bring siblings to the hearing, which is just such a brilliant and consistent and meaningful thing to do.
Kudos to you also for separating the policies from the people. It sounds like that approach has served you well. I agree that the punishment here doesn't make much sense, but I think school board policies often don't. A child on my son's Little League team was expelled from our local elementary school for bringing one of those sets of camping cutlery to school to use the spoon to eat pudding (it also had a knife on it). It wasn't until his mother contacted The New York Times and the story gained national attention that they changed the policy.
Your own personal policy of being honest and demonstrating consequences - now that I'm down with. I admire you as a parent and a person.
Megan,
Not that I have teenage sons at home and have to go through this situation often.. yet(?).... (I do have two, but they are 2 and 6.) but in years to come you and your family will look back at this and it'll be one of the things that brought your family together. Made you stronger. Brought MS that much closer to being the man that he will undoubtedly become as he gets older.
As someone who occasionally has the charge of being responsible for up to 80-100 young adults (Remember that I am the military guy who started reading your blog from Afghanistan.) who are for the most part awesome young men and women, but from time to time things can get out of control for some of them, and during that time you have to decide how to approach the consequences. Do you set an example? Is there a trend? What can you do to help the person? Do they need help and will they respond to help? These are all questions that come up. I imagine that it's not all that different for school adminastrators, who have to deal with these situations more often than we really want to think about. <sigh> There are to many parents out there who are not that involved with their child's education and they don't and won't do what you and your family did, which is stand up and say, "Yes, my child did make a mistake, but that's not him, and it's not his standard behavior." And like sevaral of the other posters said, you proved, without a doubt that you have your son's back. And with that, I bow before your inately superior wisdom of how to raise three good kids. Keep it up.
Cheers!
Josh
Mara: Holy smokes! A cutlery set. I think I actually heard about that. Thanks for your kind comment.
Josh: You know, your first paragraph? That's what got me through: thinking, hoping, wanting to believe that this situation would be looked back upon as a time of growth and the impetus for a lot of good talks that might not have otherwise happened. It was interesting to be in a spot where we as parents felt we had to back up the school even if the consequences seemed harsh/unrelated, as we didn't want MS to think anything less than owning up was acceptable. (One family got a lawyer and tried to fight the system.) In the end, that seems to have been a good way to go with him...We all learned.
Gosh, I'm sure those 80-100 young adults feel honored to have had you guiding them. Hope your resettling with your wife and boys has been smooth and awesome.