learning to be alone in the world
Sunday, January 3 
Me during my alone year, 2004. Photo by Janie Osborne.
Six years ago I was a newly-separated mom in the midst of a divorce, raising three sons. I had no idea how I was going to support us. So I waited tables, coached Nordic skiers and worked as a freelance writer while trying to nurture the boys amid traumatic change. I was 35 and scared like a child dropped off in a foreign land without a map.
Since my adolescence, I’d never spent more than a few months without a guy in my life, even if that meant being with the wrong person. I was always a girlfriend or a wife, never just me; strong, capable and happy in the world. So, in keeping with my old patterns, it wasn‘t long after separating before I met someone.
He was 6’ 4’’ tall, a few years older than me, working on a PhD, wore a cool earring and was a fine dresser. Also, he was buff — a fellow Nordic skier who hit the gym when he wasn’t on the trails. He seemed high real estate for someone as average as me, but my clueless side didn’t question why this man, in all his 40 years, had just never met the right girl (until me of course) to settle with.
Took me six months to figure out I’d needlessly crazied my already complex life by getting involved with a player. There was another problem. Besides the fact that it was way too soon for me to be dating anyone, and the fact that secretly juggling multiple women was normal for this guy...he really liked Youngest Son, but the other two? Well, notsomuch. And the feeling from the boys towards him was mutual.
When we parted ways I felt like a complete ass for having gotten involved, but even more, I felt like I’d let my fear of being alone take over my judgment and even harm my kids. The last thing they needed was to have to adapt to another person so soon after their parents split. Poor character on my part, and I resolved to be a better mom for them by making that my first priority.
What followed was a manless year. A year to be me. To re-group with my boys in a more focused way. I hung out with my girlfriends, got the magazine editing job I still have, read self-help books, went to movies alone for the first time in my life, kept running and skiing. Still, I had my moments, sometimes late at night in bed, when fear slithered in the windows. Or maybe it was just honesty. I was working hard to have a full, rich life, but the truth of the matter was that I didn’t want to be alone forever. I liked being a wife, and someday, it would mean a lot to me if I could try again and get it right with someone.
I voiced this fear in a fairly pathetic way on the phone one day with someone I considered older and wiser. “No one’s ever going to love me with three boys,” I said. The voice on the other end of the line was silent a moment and then replied, “Yeah. That’s going to be a problem for you.”
The answer shocked me for its grim honesty, but I am a stubborn girl by nature. Damn if I was going to be desperate, or base my own happiness on someone else choosing or not choosing me. And damn if I was going to let anyone in the door again that wasn’t good for the boys. If that meant figuring out how to be content alone, then so be it.
I kept a gratitude journal that year, each day writing down five things I was thankful for. Turns out even on my lowest days, I could come up with five (there’s always strong coffee, for one). Some days the gratitude came pouring out. But really, what I learned that year was priceless. I can forgive myself for mistakes, take care of my sons, love them and even love myself.
At the end of that year of course, I met Shawn. That’s a whole different blog post. One where I profess my belief in magic and God and goodness. But really, I was remembering all this the other night watching Shawn and Middle Son assemble sushi rolls.
Mid-way through New Year’s day Middle Son was looking like he was going to be spending the day in front of the TV, and I was wishing he would do something more worthwhile, wondering how to motivate him. Then either Shawn or Middle Son mentioned sushi, then before I knew it Middle Son was Googling how to make sushi, then we were all in the car blitzing around town for the ingredients. I am thankful for Shawn. And I’m thankful for that manless year, because now I know no matter what happens to him and to us, I can be enough for myself in this world. And that can only make me a better partner in the end.
Shawn and Middle Son making sushi rolls.
Reader Comments (14)
Just...yk...wow.
It's good to have a little alone time in between relationships, no? Hard, but makes you so much better.
OMG, has Middle Son shot up or what? He looks taller and thinner since the last time I saw him, only 9 months ago.
We need to see y'all more.
BTW: We're shivering here in Florida...the temp dipped into the 30's last night. OK, so it's not Bozeman, but everything's relative.
Wish I had just one cook in the family . You are a pretty smart, confident , and wise women , as for your boys they were a bonus. So glad to have them in our lives. It only proves Wait long enough and good things will come to you.
Alone or with someone, you rock.
OMG - this spoke to me in volumes. I am madly in love and happy to be, but I always question whether I could make it on my own. I feel like I have always been half of something. I don't want an excuse to find out if I'd be OK on my own, but I truly treasure your take on it. You are surely someone who deserves the happiness you've found.
Heidi: Thanks. I say that to myself when reading your blog all the time. True story.
Melynda: I don't know about other women, but it was very important for this psycho girl.
Brother John: Forgive me for agreeing with you and adding to it, but Middle Son is morphing into a hunk right before our very eyes.
SDA: You and I both exemplify the "Good things come to those who wait" philosophy, no?
Paige: I always adored you in high school. Still do :)
Kim: Thanks so much...
Count me into the "Good things come to those who wait" club. Having spent a good portion of my adult life alone, as well as time in bad relationships, I treasure the time I had alone to grow into a relatively confident, somewhat secure individual. There's no question in my mind that I can take care of myself (big-ass nasty spiders notwithstanding). Plus, having finally found the best person to spend my life with, I appreciate my relationship very deeply. I think it's exceedingly important for young women to live on their own before settling down just so they know that living alone is way better than living with the wrong person. I'm sorry for the scary time you had but I knew you'd come out stronger and happier.
BTW, can Shawn and Middle Son come to my house to make sushi?
Yes we do sista , Amen and Alleluia
I've never really lived without a man either, and I pray it never happens that I have to, but I'm not sure I have that kind of strength. I guess you get it from somewhere. ( What helps, is that I now make more money than most men . . . )
FaveAuntie: I totally agree with your philosophy. The sushi rocked; I'll have them make it for you the next time we're in the same state, promise.
SDA: : )
Mary: Congrats on that Dr. Price! It's always good to know you could support yourself/your kids if you had to, No?
aww (sniff)
what a great smile by me
SO glad you and Shawn found each other. Had to laugh (or cry?) when I read your statement about being unloveable with three boys, when that seems to be such a joy for Shawn. Miss you guys--