just because it’s normal doesn’t mean it’s fun
Wednesday, January 20 
Oldest Son and me when he was four, 1997.
Oldest Son and I are going through some changes in our relationship, and sometimes I feel like I’m not coping very well.
For starters, when you share joint custody with another parent, you no longer see your kids 24/7. It’s weird, but you eventually get used to it. The first year of separation I sometimes had panic attacks — a racing heartbeat and this gripping feeling that I was Not Okay. My boys were somewhere out in the world, I had no idea what they were doing, no connection to their emotions or new things they were undoubtedly experiencing under their dad’s care and it made me feel like a bad mother, even though my rational side knew they were fine.
Anyway, Oldest Son at 16 is pretty into his friends. That means no matter which house he’s at, he’s probably got plans that don’t involve adults — even if you haven’t seen him for a few days. A busy social life is normal at his age, I know, but up until a year ago people would make observations like: “Wow, you’re lucky you and your son are so close.” And I thought, Yep, you’re right. Guess we skipped that whole nasty, painful separation thing most mothers and teens go through…
Except now I see that we haven’t. When Oldest Son is around it’s clear that I annoy him like never before. Something about me opening my mouth to talk just rubs him wrong. I remember this with my own mother. I can still recall my reaction to a question she always asked like it was yesterday:
Mom: What are you thinking?
Me: (Thinking) OH MY GOD, WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THAT? NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. YOU DON’T OWN MY THOUGHTS! WHY WOULD I EVER TELL YOU?
(Aloud) About what?!
Mom: Anything.
Me: What am I thinking about ANYTHING?!
Mom: Yeah, anything.
Me: (Thinking) THAT IS THE DUMBEST QUESTION I’VE EVER HEARD. I DON’T ANSWER DUMB QUESTIONS.
(Aloud, before stomping off) I’m not thinking anything about anything!
Looks like I’ve become my mother. (Maybe I owe her an apology too, huh?) Oldest Son and I are knocking heads more lately as well, but maybe I could melt that edge between us by letting him know that I really just miss my boy and am having a hard time with all this “try not to talk to me or look at me unless it’s to give me money or arrange a ride for me somewhere” nonsense…
Or would that come across as too needy? See? This is all new to me.
Not long ago Oldest Son would charm me by saying things to make me laugh, then I’d say something funny back and he’d laugh like I really was funny and say, “Mom, I’m into you.” And I’d feel all lit up by his goofy little teenage expression of love.
He doesn’t say he’s into me anymore. Which I guess is fine considering the other day he was running from the shower to his room and I caught sight and nearly seized, collapsed and choked on my tongue.
Let’s just say the day has come that I never need to see Oldest Son naked ever again. (There’s something really unsettling about your child getting grown-up parts. It’s like finding out they have keys to a Ferrari when they haven’t even taken Driver's Ed yet.)
I keep thinking I can somehow “fix” this situation. That I can do something to emotionally connect with my boy like I used to. Yeah, I’m still stuck on “fix” rather than “accept” which is what other mothers who’ve experienced this have said is the answer: Accept and respect their need for increased space and privacy, while covertly snooping enough to know that they’re making good choices…Then someday when they’re in their 20s they’ll come back and give you a big hug and say Sorry For Being A Dick, Mom. I’m totally into you again.
Any other thoughts or advice? Anyone?
Oldest Son and me this past Christmas, 2009.
Reader Comments (18)
It is like Rylee turning 11 today and me realizing that I have been away for almost half her life. Savor the seconds you have with him. He is a good kid and will turn out ok. Teenagers need to start seperating themselves from their parents so it wont hurt so much when later they leave home. Being a teenager is a scary thing . Shawn has your back and remembers well what being a teenage boy was like. And like oldest son says Settle the heck down. lol
Oh my gosh - I know this intended to be funny but I can't get past "like learning they have the keys to a Ferrari and they haven't taken Drivers Ed". That cracked me up in the midst of my tears. I am not prepared to lose my little people. My boy hugs and kisses me constantly and tells me how much he loves me. Sometimes it's the one thing that pulls me through the day. I know you're looking for advice and I am sorry I don't have any. I can only wish you the very best while you're trying to learn acceptance. GOOD LUCK
As a former 16 year old boy, and one that had a some what tumultuous relationship with his parents, I feel I should throw my 2 cents in here. Starting at about 14 I was a real pain in the butt for my parents (as my sister can attest). This continued until the age of 19 when, after dropping out of high school, I finally moved out of the house (to live with my future ex-wife, which must have thrilled them no end). At that point I became friends with my parents. They had hung in there for me and, even through the worst, I always knew they were there for me. One of my proudest moments was also one of my dads...the day I graduated (age 29) from college with honors, following my dad into engineering. Their faith and persistence paid off in the end, as it will for you.
BTW: we won't even talk about the fact I started "driving" prior to the age of 16. I'm trying to settle your mind here, not keep you awake at night.
Grab your son the next chance you get and give him a hug from his Florida Uncle. It'll pass.
As a follow up to my comment above, I should note that without the help, support, guidance, friendship, common sense and occasional dope slap from your Favorite Auntie (my Final Wife) all those years ago my story would be completely different. Among the many, MANY things I am grateful for when it comes to her was her influence upon me in those years. Not to mention the family I bought into when I married her many years later. I can only hope that Oldest Son has similar friends that will help him through.
Oh, can I attest. The phone call's I got from our parents (usually Mom). The most poignant thing I can remember her saying is "I'm not going to let him go". A lot of the time I just had to laugh, but there were times when he was in need of a good dope slap. When his Current Wife (my SIL, your FaveAuntie) came on the scene, things improved greatly. And in the end our parents faith in him and love for him was returned many times over.
So, I know our Mom would tell you to hang in there, this will pass. And try to pace yourself, you have two more coming up (with any luck Oldest Son will have snapped out of it and will be around to mediate).
No advice. I can feel these days coming with my Oldest Daughter...and she's not even 7 yet.
All I might suggest is that you go call your mommy. And apologize. Every. Day. (At least, that's what I'm doing).
We're not quite at this stage yet, Ace and me, but I imagine it will come with time and hope I can think it through as rationally as you are right now.
I doubt anything is broken to "fix", but this is a normal seeking of his individuality. Being there regardless of his withdrawal, just along the edges, reminding him of the safe harbour of your relationship, will be enough. When he's got his footing, he'll be back to share.
If this separation of emotions occurs when Ace hits this age, I like to think I'll remember my own words. WIll you remind me?
Not much advice, just a couple of thoughts, given that I have ZERO experience with 16-year-old boys and yours in particular.
I read a book about boys once that said that boys and men don't really process emotions on the spot, which makes it possible for them to be hunters and soldiers. They process emotions later, which is why they can get through horrible situations flawlessly, then fall apart later. This author also said that asking questions like "What are you thinking about right now?" feels confrontational to males (they don't know how they feel at the moments or can't articulate it), so they back off. This author recommended doing active things side-by-side with boys, so fishing, cooking, cleaning out the garage fall into that camp, and that might be more up Shawn and your ex's alley.
Maybe the best thing you can do right now is just be a constant presence so he knows where home is when he needs it. And laugh at yourself. It might take the edge off for both of you.
SDA: Yes, Shawn does have my back, but he's going through some of the same stuff with Oldest Son. We've taken to looking at each other at key moments and whispering "TP" which means: Testosterone Poisoning. A little reminder to let things go, and: settle the heck down.
Kim: Yes, it's those hugs and kisses I miss the most. I don't miss babies in general, I miss MY BOYS being little. I know it's cliche, but it just goes by so fast. Glad you can savor it.
BrotherJohn and BroJohnsSis: I take more comfort than you know from the story of BrotherJohn going from wild boy to fine, upstanding citizen (is that a stretch? : ) However, some of the details you shared with me made me realize I haven't asked you near enough questions about your lives...Time for a family pow-wow!
Kootnygirl: Good advice! Hopefully what goes around comes around...
Catootes: Yes, I think you're right. I have an intensity that I'm used to with my kids that I think is coming across as too "in his face" right now, whereas it wasn't before...I'm trying to be sensitive about that and keep a loving presence in his periphery.
Cherilyn: What you wrote also reminded me of some of the stuff written in a great book called "The Female Brain" which is really just as much about the male brain.
Even though I'm mostly a vegetarian, I've always been thankful that Shawn and Oldest Son hunt together, but couldn't articulate why...I think you hit on it. When they're doing something side by side for a long period of time, things bubble to the surface in easy ways. Makes me want to hang on to those annual backpacking trips and outings for that very reason!
Sniff. Oldest Son is becoming a young man! Complete with - uh - never mind.
As for BroJohn, let's just say that there are stories to share. :-)
that one made cry.
I wish I had advice but I fear you just gave me the preview of things to come. Older Boy just turned 14 and while we battle (mainly because I'm pretty bossy), most of the time we get along and make each other laugh. But based on my relationship at that age with my mother, I know this is about to change. *sigh*
It sure makes me appreciate my mother and all the crap she put up from me! I can't thank her enough for not throwing in the towel on me (and for not dropping me off at the orphanage as she so often threatened to do). I owe her. Big time.
But eventually, like most kids do, your guy will come around too.
I think Cherilyn might be talking about Deborah Tannen's book You Just Don't Understand Me.
So, um, my sister still had major fights with my mom when she was in her early twenties. IN HER SLEEP.
I shared a room with her for a couple of months and woke up to her yelling things like, "Oh my God, mom! Don't be so stupid. NO! The check is NOT in the glove compartment!" It was great.
I think boys come around faster than girls... so, you've got that going for you.
I'll have to remember the phrase "Testosterone Poisoning" when that particular malady comes knocking on my door. (I'm also hoping that the dutch gene for blooming late is running strong in my boys. oh help ) I'm guessing that oldest boy's interests are going to serve him (and you) well during this phase. He has got a good foundation of healthy interests for him to focus on that help him define who he is without having to go out on a limb. Oldest boy's zest for life and genuine interest in stuff has always impressed me. Testosterone poisoning is going to keep me laughing for a while, it also made me think, I am so glad I won't have to deal with estrogen poisoning.
I can't even think about losing my boys, yet. Of course, one of them can't even get from the car to the store without me.
Good luck!!
Very funny, very poingnant ( I probably spelled that wrong). I have no advice, but I like learning from all of the other posts, in preparation for my own 3 boy teens.
It is the eeriest thing when I hear my mother's words coming out of my mouth. I have no idea what the answer is, but I suspect that it involves self-medication.
I remember my son once saying, "I bet you wish you could keep me this age." I was so glad I could tell him that I wanted him to stay at every single stage he went through from birth, but not more than I wanted to experience the next one. That said, my best advice is to send them to Italy for a year when they're sixteen.