the angus chronicles, chapter one: "howdy, neighbor!"
Tuesday, July 14 Not long after my husband Shawn and I were married, he volunteered to have a vasectomy. With both of us near 40 and me with three boys already, we agreed if we could convince them that life isn’t one big Jack Ass movie set, releasing them into the adult world safely and as assets to society, that would be the only miracle the two of us would ever ask for.
A few months later, Angus arrived. Angus is a Jack Russell Terrier, the last remaining pup in his litter because of his coloring, which is predominantly tan rather than the preferred white amongst Jack Russell show dog owners. Angus is not a show dog.
The day Angus was dropped off Shawn immediately took charge, cradling him in his hands repeating, “This is my first puppy. I never had a puppy before! My whole life I wanted a puppy, and now I finally have one.” He sounded like Lennie in the play Of Mice and Men, which is to say, not the sharpest tool.
That night he tucked Angus in bed with us, and I’m not exaggerating when I tell you the man was so completely weakened by Angus’ cuteness that he would have pulled up his shirt and let the little nipper latch on if he’d wanted to.
Angus grew quickly, and a month after he arrived, we moved into a “fixer upper” house we’d bought in a nice part of town. Some people find that their children make getting to know the neighbors easy. In our case, Angus introduced us.
Shawn put up a fence when we moved in, but it wasn’t long before Angus discovered a hole that a visiting dog had excavated. And because Angus is a very outgoing dog who loves other dogs and people (and assumes they share his affections), he decided it was time to meet the people next door. At seven a.m.
That’s how I ended up on my neighbor’s deck, in front of their French doors which were cracked open for their own dogs to go in and out during the night. Hadn’t even put my morning cup of coffee down the hatch and was standing there, hissing, “Angus! Angus come!” and then in my low you-are-such-a-naughty-dog-you-are-so-in-trouble voice, “You come here right now, Angus.”
I could hear him running gleefully through their house, and every now and then he would showboat by me on the other side of the doors. I swear to you, the dog was smiling. I was completely mortified, but thank goodness I had enough self control not to yell what I was thinking, which was something like, “Angus, you shitass little rodent, you’d better run fast. Because when I catch you, I am going to rip your head off, spit down your throat and set you on FIRE while I do a happy dance around their deck!”
Angus disappeared into a back room, then came running back out. That’s when I met my neighbor. To this day I do not know the man’s name, but because he was standing three feet away from me on the other side of the door without any clothes, dangling in all his morning glory, I do know a few other details about him.
Ahem.
At that point, I was hoping that he might see the silly in my dog running around his house like a Tasmanian devil and — according to him — pouncing on him and his fiancé while they were in bed still sound asleep. I maintained eye contact the whole time while I repeated apologies to this man, and then he turned around to go get his bathrobe, and suddenly there were no eyes to lock into. So I just, you know, took a super quick look that to my mind really shouldn’t reflect poorly on me.
When he returned, we both ran around trying to catch Angus, which Angus thought was a game, like a greased pig contest at the fair. When we finally did catch him, I turned to my neighbor once more, apologized, hoping for maybe even a trace of a smile to indicate that the sheer ridiculousness of the situation was not lost on him. Yeah, notsomuch.
Oh, I’m sorry to say there are many more installments in the Angus chronicles before I’ll have written this dog out of my system. And yes, I plan to take him to obedience school.
And no, I will not tell you how big my neighbor’s penis is. Or his name.
Reader Comments (7)
This story is still funny every time I hear it. lol I must remember the depends next time I read your blog. Cause I pee my pants when I read it. Keep it up and maybe you can write a Angus book . That little dog should be good for something. Obediance school roflmao that is hysterical let me know if it works . I could use some methods on my neighbor boys.
LOL! Mascara is running from the tears! Angus makes your boys look absolutely angelic, eh?
Loving your new blog! And I just added you to my blogroll. :)
Laughing so hard - can - barely type...Can't stop!
now that's good stuff!!
you don't know me, nor i you. however, i think either we have the same neighbors or dog or both! Its far beyond civilized bedtimes on the east coast here and i'm raucously laughing under my breath! Thank you for making my day!
Hey Deb,
Thanks for stopping by and reading! I checked out your website as well — lot's of good stuff there. Happy to have met you :)