office etiquette: making a stink in public
Thursday, November 12 
Huevos rancheros, is that you? I love you, darling. I miss you. I'll meet you at Soby's Cafe very, very soon.
I like it when people feel comfortable enough with me to talk about personal things and ask for advice. I take it as a compliment. Anyway, the other day a co-worker came over to my desk and said, “I need some advice on bathroom etiquette.”
He went on to explain that he had been using the employee urinal, because somebody was already using the stall.
Co-worker: So I was using it, and I finished, but then I farted.
Me: Yeah, so?
Co-worker: So what’s the right thing to do? Do I say “excuse me” or do I just leave?
Me: Well, was it a peep — like you could pretend it was your shoe squeaking on the floor — or was it a big, stout, greasy one that might make me secretly hate you?
Co-worker: That first one.
Me: Oh. (nodding) But it still embarrassed you?
Co-worker: Yeah.
Me: I’d cut and run before I was seen.
Co-worker: Well, as it turns out, someone else came in and started talking to me, so that wasn’t an option. So I’m just wondering if I should’ve owned it and been more polite?
Me: You could have just gone with it and said, “Wow, that was a real growler. Afraid there’s more where that came from.”
Co-worker: (laughing) Stop!
Me: Or, I know! I know!
Co-worker: No.
Me: How about: “Are you about done in there? Cause I’m thinkin’ I should sit down.”
Why would this co-worker come to me for advice on friendly farting? Suddenly I’m Miss Manners of this 100-person company?
Yeah, no.
Let’s just say I’ve taken the liberty to make him feel comfortable when it comes to me and farting in our shared cubicle area. (Have I mentioned this topic before?) And that Mexican food for lunch + afternoon coffee = My co-workers should probably take the afternoon off unless they want their eyebrows-to-melt-off-their-face-their-nose-hairs-to-spontaneously-combust-and-eyeballs-to-shrivel-into-teeny-tiny-raisins-inside-their-skulls.
END NOTE: Please notice that I’ve taken care to preserve A-Hole’s identity in this piece and have in no way implied that he’s that one weird guy who farts out loud in public restrooms.
And an update. I talked to A-Hole about the continued outpouring of reader concern that I call him A-Hole here, and he says that he’s touched, but that rest assured, A-Hole suits him just fine. It makes him feel acknowledged.
Reader Comments (10)
I love that you make me laugh first thing in the morning. Sounds like you have been living with boys for awhile... this is good prep for me.
Your mother has trained you well in SO many ways. She should be proud!
My grandmother (exceptionally refined.... very dirty laugh) used to whisper "That one crept in on carpet slippers" or, alternatively, "Silent, my dear, yet so violent".
Have you listened to Barenaked Ladies 'Ninja' song? Apparently it's all about farting.... hurrah for youtube, endlessly amusing for small boys.
Melynda and Fave Auntie: This talent started with and was passed down from my mother, Queen of Farts. But, I have to wonder: Is there some divine plan here in place that I ended up with all boys? (Welcome to your future, Mel.)
Mrs. F: Oh my gosh. You've got to LOVE a grandma that would say stuff like that. And, I'm going to look up the Barenaked Ladies "Ninja" song tonight. Thanks for that :)
roflmao , You are so the mother of boys and wife of Shawn, didnt know that much about bathroom manners hmm.. there has got to be a book or column in there somewhere.
I laughed so hard I...........farted.
Oh, Pooknelle, you are so completely my sister in crime. And SDA, we can teach you our ways...
Way to rip one, Ahole.
Giving back to the company, one fart at a time.
Furlough? Wage cuts? HA! Take THAT you rat bass-turds.
Besides, if you're in the bathroom when you cut one you don't have to apologize. It's not like you were in a meeting or something. Proper time and place, yo.
Words of wisdom there, Heidi :)
thanks a lot dear, im very interesting for your article. im very impresing for this :)
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