permission to dine: carrot salad and monetizing your vendor metrics
Thursday, October 29 
My boss and I MONETIZED Halloween by winning the cash award for best costume at work, showing up as a biker couple, 2007. Photo by Thomas Lee.
A few weeks ago, we got a memo at work from Corporate explaining some exciting new plans. I read it, looked at A-Hole (my longtime deskmate) and said, “Did you get any of that?”
A-Hole shook his head.
“What do you think phrases like ‘monetizing our vendor metrics’ mean?” I asked.
A-Hole and I speculated, then I resorted to dissecting the sentence: “Is that a verb phrase?”
We decided that the phrase does indeed have a subject and a verb, but I’m still confused about what “monetizing vendor metrics” looks like in action.
Anyway, since I read that, it seems like the word monetizing is popping up everywhere. Heather Armstrong, the famous high-earning blogger at Dooce.com, get tons of hateful comments on her site each year, sandwiched between an insane number of friendly notes. So she gave the haters their own page on her site, and placed each comment between an ad. The headline at the top reads “Monetizing the Hate: Making money off the crap people say." Which I think is brilliant.
People find ways to monetize everything these days. Which brings me to my latest news. I have an ad on my sidebar! I’m still learning how this whole thing works, but I think it goes something like this: I wake before work when it’s still dark out and write and edit photos for this site, you read my posts, and each time a minor catastrophes page is viewed, I earn a teeny, tiny amount of money. So see? We’re partners you and me! Except I get money, and you get to read about fudge holes and tapeworms. We’re talking about monetizing! I think I love you.
My whole world has opened up: Got a messy house? Monetize it! Fail to clean your hoo-ha for two years? Monetize! Monetize the skinned squirrel in your fridge! Monetize the angry, naked neighbor! Monetize your unwaxed bikini line! Monetize the Polaroids of your parents getting down! (Not literally. Mom had the good sense to burn those so that we kids don’t choke on our own vomit finding them in a shoebox after they’re gone, but you know what I mean…)
Anyway, just so you don’t leave thinking I haven’t given you anything this time, I have a recipe. It’s a carrot salad. Now don’t go getting all disappointed. Carrots are good for you, and if you don’t like cooked carrots, you’ll probably like this fresh, seasonal salad. It’s so tasty, simple and refreshing I would eat it even if it wasn’t good for me. Even the boys around here like it, and that’s saying something.
Happy Halloween! (Carrots before the candy might buffer a sugar coma. An option.)
Carrot Salad
1 pound carrots
2 tablespoons chopped parsley (If you don’t have parsley on hand, the recipe works fine without it.)
2 tablespoons chopped celery leaves
sea salt and freshly ground pepper
zest and juice of 1 lemon
2-3 tablespoons olive oil
Peel, then grate the carrots using the large hole on a box grater. Toss with the chopped herbs and 1/2 teaspoon salt. Add just enough oil to coat the carrots lightly, then add lemon juice to taste and the zest. Season with pepper and chill before serving if time allows.
Adapted from a recipe in Deborah Madison’s book, Local Flavors.
Office-Speak End Note: After I wrote this, a co-worker spit out this little gem: “In order to get people energized and organized, you have to incentivize.” Can you top that?
Reader Comments (6)
You only THINK they destroyed the Polaroids. I certainly wouldn't put it past them to leave them as a parting gift.
And since I work for a large un-named federal agency (Go ARES 1-X!), I must excuse myself from submitting any office speak. I have an unfair advantage. One of my proudest professional moments is when I built a crowded PowerPoint slide entirely out of acronyms. And my audience understood it. Ya gotta love engineers.
And you are welcome for the 0.001 cents I just provided you in income.
BrotherJohn: Oh, I'm so disappointed! I expected beautiful office-speak poetry from you of all people...
And no thank yous from me until your page views here equal buying me a margarita. I'll let you know when you're getting close :)
Yea for monetizing!
I too am disappointed that BroJ opted out of the office speak challenge. He knows it so well.
Mike says, "The -ize have it!"
I'm still waiting for someone to come and "incentivize" me. whoooo-eeee. You can sign me "stay at home mom" hahahahahahaha
Here is to that Margarita, Anything I can do to help the cause. Whatever works to incentivetize you . as usual roflmao