the angus chronicles, chapter two: tapeworms are so wrong
Monday, October 26 
A few weeks ago, I took Angus to the vet. He’d been nibbling his butt a lot, and besides, was overdue for his vaccinations. I don’t mind a little butt nibbling in a dog, because really, if there’s a poo crumb or something equally disgusting lodged in that vicinity and the dog is on my bed, I’d just as soon that morsel disappear down the hatch without my knowing about it. But each night as I was trying to wind down and read I’d hear, “Nibble-nibble-nibble, nibble-nibble-nibble, nibble-nibble-nibble…(quiet)…nibble, nibble, nibble,” which actually means, “There’s some unbelievably heinous shit you can’t see coming out of my ass, and as soon as I quit nibbling, it’s going to sneak out of my butt and onto the comforter.”
So, anyway, I was at Level One Freak Out over the butt nibbles, but to fully appreciate why, I have to tell you about what started out as a peaceful weekend morning a little over a year ago (deep breath). I was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a perfect cup of coffee and reading the paper. I was bathed in golden rays of sunlight, thinking how cleansing was the quiet as the rest of my family slumbered. Then Angus sat down a few feet from me and began dragging his junk across the floor. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a dog perform this circus trick before, but watching a creature that is usually on all fours sit on his rump and use his front legs to propel him across the floor is quite amusing — until the lightbulb goes off and you realize he’s wiping (?), scratching (?), stimulating (?) his fudge-hole on your floor.
And THEN.
He lifted his butt and a 10-inch long Thai rice noodle squirmed out of his fudger along with some clear birthing fluid which landed in a pool on the floor — as if he had just delivered a lamb in a manger and I was supposed to sponge the thing off and swaddle it. 
The Scream, by Edvard Munch
It wasn’t until the rice noodle started squirming that I started screaming. Shawn levitated out of bed and I pointed while still screaming because I couldn’t talk, and the rest is a blur. All I remember is Shawn trying to put the thing in the garbage and me screaming some more and then he re-located it to the outside garbage all huffy muttering stuff like, “Ridiculous!” and “I thought something was really wrong.”
Honestly. Would you NOT scream if you were sitting there minding your own beeswax while your dog gave birth to one of these, all before 8:30 a.m.? I now know that it was “just a tapeworm,” but I’m sure you can sympathize when I tell you that one of my favorite rice-noodle dishes in the whole world, Pad Thai, is still difficult for me.
Anyway, when I took Angus to the vet this time the woman looked at his chart, then at me, then at the chart and was all like, “You know, he wasn’t wormed too long ago.” As if I should just cowboy-up and plug my ears when he nibbles his butt at bedtime. Because you wouldn’t want to eliminate all chances that a foot-long butt snake will slither out of your dog and CLIMB INSIDE YOUR MOUTH while reading, now would you? So I glared. Then she shrugged and said, “But I guess we could go ahead and worm him again,” and handed me that sweet, white de-worming powder.
I think that was best, for everyone involved.
For a less hysterical explanation of the hows/ whys of tapeworms, check this link: http://www.marvistavet.net/html/body_tapeworm.html. That's where I found this image, with the following caption: "AS ROVER SLEEPS, TAPEWORM SEGMENTS ARE PASSED."
End note: You can read the angus chronicles, chapter one: "howdy neighbor!" right here.
Reader Comments (19)
Screaming is the only appropriate reaction. Yuck. Way to ruin a peaceful morning, Angus.
Although I bet he felt better after birthing that noodle.
Just to make you feel better (?), at least it wasn't a broad fish tapeworm... average length in a HUMAN is TEN meters. Yikes.
And to think some people use them to lose weight. Yes, really.....
FaveAuntie: Shawn said he'd never heard me scream like that before — I guess I made an impression.
Mrs. F: Ugh!! I just did a Google search. You speak the truth. Actually, now that I think of it, my girlfriend from Norway mentions being afraid of eating fish during certain months because of the worms. Likely to get one or not, the tapeworm thing sort of dampens the sushi urge, you know? Thanks for stopping by!
I am not sure what is worse. Tape worms or My cat Clyde bringing a baby garter snake up from my basement. What really scares me in both cases is there could be more worms and more snakes.
Did you hear me scream? Because I did, virtually.
I'm replacing the Serenity Prayer with this one "Please give me the luck never to see anything crawl out of a dog's butt, the courage to deal with it if I do, and a husband who will throw whatever it is in the garbage."
That was beyond disgusting. Seriously. Profane.
Gross.
Ewww.
Oh god.
I have never had an animal in my life, but it's been understood between my boyfriend and I that when we move into together, he can get a dog.
I would not be able to handle that. The idea of something inside you wigs me out.
JUST a tapeworm? There is no "just" anything if it is squirming out of my dog's butt. You must be suffering from Post Tapeworm Stress Disorder which I'm sure includes the inability to order Pad Thai - ever.
Mara and Denise: Serenity prayer and PTSD, you guys are too funny!
Ashley: If you have a keeper there, maybe you should let him get his dog. Just make him promise to do worm duty. If he does that, I'd feel pretty safe he could handle poopy diapers, vomit, oh, a whole list of things that might or might not be in your future together. Good luck! :)
Yeah, he's a keeper. Good point about if he can handle that than other things are a breeze. I'll just be off the premises while worm duty is been taken care of. :)
Plus Ashley, dogs are great "practice children"...
Haha! I know that from the stories of some friends of mine. They got a puppy shortly after moving in together, and the lack of sleep and interruption of together time was abundant.
Uh yeah.....I would scream too.
Well, does he feel better now?? lol
You should rename this Blog the Anus Chronicles. I bet his real owner would really love that . roflmao
I was literally CRYING while reading this -- laughing so hard at my desk, tears were streaming down my face. Well-written, Megs. My paralegal thinks I'm nuts, but I can live with that. . . .
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